About brokenness: A letter to my children.

Writing is my therapy, and right now that is something that is much needed in my life. Or at least at this moment. I prefer to try to live day to day, moment to moment without dwelling on my feelings or circumstances that have just passed by. I actually had to wait a day to write this too keep it from being too dark and depressing. Brokenness is something I believe we all deal with at some time in our life, and in all honesty, probably over and over again to different degrees. Brokenness is something that always takes me back before it propels me forward. I see that same problem in my friends and family who have walked through hurtful and emotionally trying situations. Then every time a new pain presents itself we go back to where we feel our pain began. The important thing, is to not allow those thoughts and memories to justify bad choices or to deepen the pain of our current experience. So seeing that there are others around me who are hurting and falling into this trap, let me just say I know a thing or two about where you are, and what you may be experiencing. I am going to write a few things here that may be offensive to some, so please know that is not at all my intent. Also, let me state that I am truly aware that what my perspective of my past situations were, and what your perspective was may not line up at all (and yet they may both be absolute truth). We see the world and the effects of our actions through our eyes alone. We see our motives, our feelings, our hope for the effects, but those around us view those same things not through our minds, but theirs. One thing did for good, may seem entirely wrong to someone else. So let me go back here, to when I was young. My life started out GREAT. I had a nice little family that I know loved me. My grandparents lived right downstairs and I could see them all the time. There were problems, but as a child I was pretty much unaware. My Nanny was an alcoholic (and I even remember pouring her "totties"), but I didn't know the effects of that in my own mother's life. All I knew was those drinks I made her tasted awful, and that she loved me. Let me add here for my dear Nanny's sake that she totally laid down the drink when she was a little older. Yet the effects lingered on in the lives of her children, and eventually her grandchildren and so forth. I guess this is part of my belief of how sin is generational. I think not only do we often have the same genetic makeup that allows us to be more susceptible to one thing or another, but I also believe the negative effects of having lived with these issues are carried through us, into the lives of those around us. So going from this happy portion of my childhood, things deteriorated quickly. My parents fought so damn much my sister and I actually thought we wanted them to split up. The effects of all the fighting and tears were a heavy emotional pain a child really cannot understand or describe. I still can't. But so many people suffered the same, and so many of you suffered worse. I will not go into great detail here, other than to say my dad eventually left (which honestly left us more broken), and things did not get better, but worse. My parents did what they had to do, each to survive the pain in their lives. And though I used to carry both the blame and the consequences on my own back, I now know it was neither my fault, or did they want to hurt me. But, being young, I did not understand this and I used the circumstances of my childhood to justify my choices as a teenager and early adult. And though the feelings of utter inadequacy and being of no value prompted my choices, I still did have a choice. A choice that I was emotionally and mentally unable to make at that time. I could not see beyond my pain and beyond my perceived lack of value to anyone in my life. My next choice was a marriage I still have nightmares about. But let me not lie here, I still have nightmares about my childhood as well. I carried my lack of value into the next section of my life and had it amplified by a husband who called me a worthless bitch and a cum sucking whore more often than he called me by own name. And once again I allowed those things to define who I was, and I allowed the pain and the brokenness in my own life to be a part of the lives of my children. Looking back on those early days (before I completely lost my mind), my children were my entire world. I wonder if they know how deeply they were loved. I wonder if they know they were the only light I saw. I wonder if they realize how hard I tried to make their lives as happy as I could and how I would have given anything to make their lives better. I wish I had been stronger, and I wish I had made changes early on that would have offered them a different life. I know that some of my children experienced some horrific things (things that I am just finding our about now that they are adults). And I know I played a role in those things through the choices I made. And this knowledge makes me understand that the things I endured as a child were no more intentional than the things my children endured. And I can guarantee you that the things my mother and father had to face were not intentional either. And while we are on this subject we may as well add that my children's biological father had a childhood that probably made most of ours look like a fairy tale. I know I was shell shocked when I found out how he lived and what he had been through. So there is that side of my children's story as well. Moving on, it took my entire life collapsing and exploding before I was able to set my mind free and move up. I literally had to loose everything that meant anything to me (and that one thing was my children), to make a change that would take our lives on a different course. If things hadn't played out in the horrific manner that they did at that time I think at this point in my life I would be one of the washed up shells of a person you would picture walking down a lonely street or hanging out at a seedy bar. I don't just think that is who I would be, I know it is. But thank God it is not. You see, I had escape hatches strategically placed throughout my life. I had people who loved me, and I was so wrapped up in my own self I could see none of these things. It took getting stripped of everything for me to fight. I don't want any of the generations following me to allow this to happen to them. You know we are all survivors! Look at where we are, and where we could be. Look at all the positive things that we have in our lives, and the love that we still have for one another. It is time to let go of the pain! Every time it crops back up in my life I try to focus on how far I have come and what the positive effects of the struggle are now. Sometimes I get tired of hearing how strong I am, because I am NOT. That is just how you perceive me because that is the image I chose to wear. Right now, that garment is thin and way too often my pain is shining through. There are days I still cling to the thought that my parents don't love and I am a failure to my children, and there are days I embrace the fact that I am loved by my parents and my family, and that I am forgiven of my past failures. I want to live in the later. To my children. I know you hurt. I know every hard circumstance in life that comes along and causes you pain takes you back to years and years of things that weren't fair. But unfortunately that is life for most everyone. Please don't let these things define you. Please make your choices based on your future and not on your past! Please do not let these things influence your lives to the point that your children pay the price like we all have for the past 3 generations. And know, that I love you with all of my heart, and no matter what I will always be here for you. No matter what you do, or where you go, or how far away you may feel, I love you as much as the day I first held you in my arms. Nothing will change that! EVER.