Here we are once again at the closing of another year. All my life I have heard that the older you get, the quicker time passes. I have found that truer words may have never been spoken. While this year was not a total loss, I must admit I am not sad to see it go. I have had a difficult year. A rather dark and depressing year when you think about it. So I must say it is with a sigh of relief that I see an end in sight. But the end I am speaking of is not necessarily 2017, and the changes won't start for me on January 1st. In all honesty the changes began right before Christmas. Well, the positive changes began before Christmas. The negative changes seemed to have accelerated near the end of 2016. Over the course of this last year I have lost my focus, my joy, my drive. I seemed to get sucked into a pattern of thinking that led me down a path that chased after my wants, my needs, my dreams, and further away from who I was created to be, and the things that are truly important. This pattern of thinking led me out of the deep and into shallow muddy waters. It led me so far away from who I am. It led me so far away from my God. But thankfully, that slow crawl backwards, is becoming an unsteady walk forward. And I feel it get steadier each passing day. Even here, in sharing this story, I feel I am making more forward strides.
You see, the things that pull us away from who we are meant to be don't come to us as ravenous wolves, but truly as wolves in sheep's clothing. They aren't some huge sin, or a massively destructive choice that pulls us off of the path. Sin appears as a tiny yellow flower just barely touching the path we are meant to take. So small. so innocent, so beautiful. Nothing more than a tiny joy outside of the mundane existence of walking down a path that is hot, dusty, and desolate (to our tired and weary minds). And that beautiful flower (or simple thought) is something that once picked up joins itself to our soul. It becomes a ravenous weed that grows roots deep inside our spirit and changes who we are, how we think, how we behave, until what was becomes foreign, and we no longer seem to even govern our own steps. Everyone dwells on sin, and I believe we sin everyday, but true sin is a change of heart or a change of thinking that draws us away from God. It is not so much in the acts we commit, but in a heart and a mindset that allows us to commit those acts, and to excuse them. It is any choice we make that puts our love of ourselves above our love for God, and our love for others. As I have started this journey forward I have found my conscience to be much more intact. The other day I sent an email. An irritated, why do I have to deal with this stupidity, lightly veiled email full of frustration and mild contempt. And I felt so stinking guilty for it! Even when my husband said he feels the exact same way rather often, I still felt bad. I still feel bad. And I am so grateful for that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. A few months ago I would have excused my behavior because the person on the other end asked for it. This person's lack of understanding and lack of work ethic warranted my reply. But that is not true. I am no better of a person, and I should love and respond as God would. That is my new goal. Every morning when I rise, and how I weigh my actions of the day before I close my eyes at night will all be based on did I put others before myself. Did I love God with ALL of my heart, soul, and mind, or just parts of it. I want my life to center around the words of Jesus, when he said the two greatest commands are to love God with all your heart soul and mind, and to love your neighbor as yourself. Jesus said "on these two commandments, hang all the law, and the prophets." This I believe with all of my heart. If we can live within these bounds of love, everything else will line up. If I choose to do something purely for my own good, my own pleasure, my own success, with no thought of the consequences for those around me, I choose wrong. If I put myself above another I choose wrong. If I place my wants for my life above God's plans I choose wrong. I never thought that while living such a blessed and happy life, I could so easily step away from where I was meant to be, but it happened in the complacency. I no longer wish to be complacent, and I no longer want my achievements to be marked as steps forward or successes in my own life. I want my achievements to be the help I provide to others, the light that my life shows, the relationships I have built, and the truths that I have spoken. I want to return to the simple things that shifted out of focus under the weights that I chose to carry. I want everyday to put God and my family, friends, and even enemies before me.
So as I chose to walk forward please have patience with me. I am not claiming to be better than anyone. I have learned that is jut not true. We are all the same. We all deal with anger, jealousy, desire, contempt. We all have moments of feeling hurt and abused, and of feeling superior. We all have to choose every moment of everyday if we will serve ourselves or others, and if we will follow our shallow desires or follow God. I fell. I chose to follow a shallow mindset. Now I am laying it down and walking forward. I still have roots attached to my ankles, ever so often pulling me slightly backwards. Asking me if I really want to let go of that delicate yellow flower. Right now, I don't want to just let go, I want to set it on fire and offer it up on an alter to God. Offer up the experience of failure, offer up the knowledge that I am better than no one, offer up the ability to help someone else who is entwined in a poisonous way of thinking. And offer up a love I thought I had lost, that calls out to us even when we are too full of ourselves to see it still exists!
The week before Christmas God met me in my car in the Sam's Club parking lot, and as I laid my head on the steering wheel and cried in front of everyone walking past, I felt nothing more than love and acceptance. No condemnation, no fear. May I in all my imperfections offer the same to others that a perfect God was willing to offer a wretch like me!
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Killing the Flower
Here we are once again at the closing of another year. All my life I have heard that the older you get, the quicker time passes. I have found that truer words may have never been spoken. While this year was not a total loss, I must admit I am not sad to see it go. I have had a difficult year. A rather dark and depressing year when you think about it. So I must say it is with a sigh of relief that I see an end in sight. But the end I am speaking of is not necessarily 2017, and the changes won't start for me on January 1st. In all honesty the changes began right before Christmas. Well, the positive changes began before Christmas. The negative changes seemed to have accelerated near the end of 2016. Over the course of this last year I have lost my focus, my joy, my drive. I seemed to get sucked into a pattern of thinking that led me down a path that chased after my wants, my needs, my dreams, and further away from who I was created to be, and the things that are truly important. This pattern of thinking led me out of the deep and into shallow muddy waters. It led me so far away from who I am. It led me so far away from my God. But thankfully, that slow crawl backwards, is becoming an unsteady walk forward. And I feel it get steadier each passing day. Even here, in sharing this story, I feel I am making more forward strides.
You see, the things that pull us away from who we are meant to be don't come to us as ravenous wolves, but truly as wolves in sheep's clothing. They aren't some huge sin, or a massively destructive choice that pulls us off of the path. Sin appears as a tiny yellow flower just barely touching the path we are meant to take. So small. so innocent, so beautiful. Nothing more than a tiny joy outside of the mundane existence of walking down a path that is hot, dusty, and desolate (to our tired and weary minds). And that beautiful flower (or simple thought) is something that once picked up joins itself to our soul. It becomes a ravenous weed that grows roots deep inside our spirit and changes who we are, how we think, how we behave, until what was becomes foreign, and we no longer seem to even govern our own steps. Everyone dwells on sin, and I believe we sin everyday, but true sin is a change of heart or a change of thinking that draws us away from God. It is not so much in the acts we commit, but in a heart and a mindset that allows us to commit those acts, and to excuse them. It is any choice we make that puts our love of ourselves above our love for God, and our love for others. As I have started this journey forward I have found my conscience to be much more intact. The other day I sent an email. An irritated, why do I have to deal with this stupidity, lightly veiled email full of frustration and mild contempt. And I felt so stinking guilty for it! Even when my husband said he feels the exact same way rather often, I still felt bad. I still feel bad. And I am so grateful for that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. A few months ago I would have excused my behavior because the person on the other end asked for it. This person's lack of understanding and lack of work ethic warranted my reply. But that is not true. I am no better of a person, and I should love and respond as God would. That is my new goal. Every morning when I rise, and how I weigh my actions of the day before I close my eyes at night will all be based on did I put others before myself. Did I love God with ALL of my heart, soul, and mind, or just parts of it. I want my life to center around the words of Jesus, when he said the two greatest commands are to love God with all your heart soul and mind, and to love your neighbor as yourself. Jesus said "on these two commandments, hang all the law, and the prophets." This I believe with all of my heart. If we can live within these bounds of love, everything else will line up. If I choose to do something purely for my own good, my own pleasure, my own success, with no thought of the consequences for those around me, I choose wrong. If I put myself above another I choose wrong. If I place my wants for my life above God's plans I choose wrong. I never thought that while living such a blessed and happy life, I could so easily step away from where I was meant to be, but it happened in the complacency. I no longer wish to be complacent, and I no longer want my achievements to be marked as steps forward or successes in my own life. I want my achievements to be the help I provide to others, the light that my life shows, the relationships I have built, and the truths that I have spoken. I want to return to the simple things that shifted out of focus under the weights that I chose to carry. I want everyday to put God and my family, friends, and even enemies before me.
So as I chose to walk forward please have patience with me. I am not claiming to be better than anyone. I have learned that is jut not true. We are all the same. We all deal with anger, jealousy, desire, contempt. We all have moments of feeling hurt and abused, and of feeling superior. We all have to choose every moment of everyday if we will serve ourselves or others, and if we will follow our shallow desires or follow God. I fell. I chose to follow a shallow mindset. Now I am laying it down and walking forward. I still have roots attached to my ankles, ever so often pulling me slightly backwards. Asking me if I really want to let go of that delicate yellow flower. Right now, I don't want to just let go, I want to set it on fire and offer it up on an alter to God. Offer up the experience of failure, offer up the knowledge that I am better than no one, offer up the ability to help someone else who is entwined in a poisonous way of thinking. And offer up a love I thought I had lost, that calls out to us even when we are too full of ourselves to see it still exists!
The week before Christmas God met me in my car in the Sam's Club parking lot, and as I laid my head on the steering wheel and cried in front of everyone walking past, I felt nothing more than love and acceptance. No condemnation, no fear. May I in all my imperfections offer the same to others that a perfect God was willing to offer a wretch like me!
Sunday, November 12, 2017
Finding a New Church. Part 1
It has been quite a while since I have posted on this blog. The last year and half have been a whirlwind of activity and change. And right now I feel almost as if the slate before us is perfectly bare and we are starting a new chapter. And believe me when I say I am both grateful and extremely ready for something new and different. One of the things we are looking for that is different is a new church home. I have never left a church on good terms before, with no ill feelings, but for the first time ever have found this to be where I am. Our church wasn't bad. We aren't upset with anyone. We aren't opposed to what they preach or what their vision is. It just wasn't where we belong. We were growing stagnant, and there must be change, accountability, and responsibility to stimulate the type of growth Jake and I are hoping to attain. I personally don't think one church or one demonization is correct or has it all together and another is lacking. I think we are all different people and we have to plug in where we can be fed, and where we can be used. That is what we are hoping to find. This morning was the first new church we visited in respect to finding a new church home. And I was both scared and nervous when we arrived. I am kind of touchy about religion in general. I believe our spirituality and our relationship with God should be so much more than sitting in a pew once or twice a week. I am like everyone else and have struggled (and am struggling) through some MAJOR roadblocks in my own life. I think these things make us stronger. Make us more able to relate to and sympathize with others. In my case it brings about a much needed dose of humility and the inability to ever think because of Jesus I have it all together. I used to be one of THOSE Christians. I never wanted it to show, but inwardly I thought I was better than THOSE other people. You know the ones. The ones who smoke, or drink, or lie, or cheat. God forbid! I didn't seem to recognize that I judged, I was proud in my thinking, I reeked of sin worse than the ones most people wear outwardly. This is NOT the kind of church we want to be involved in. (Just for the record for the most part, our past church wasn't like that, it certainly wasn't their vision to be, but I have been involved in these type of groups before). So in short church shopping is scary! So we walk in this morning and it is very different than what we are accustomed to. People were nice and spoke to us, and the music was pretty good. Now it had a bit of a Pentecostal edge to it (and after sitting in a Baptist church for 8 years, I believe I have been converted). I now felt that uncomfortable twinge that I am sure most people feel in an environment that is a bit out of their comfort zone. To make matters worse, I notice on the bulletin that the sermon was going to be on finances, and there was a place to take notes. "Sweet baby Jesus, please don't let this be some prosperity doctrine church." I thought. Been there, done that, did NOT buy the T-shirt, and don't plan on ever doing it again. If my first pick was leading me backwards, Jake was going to do all the choosing from now on, or I will be sitting at home You-tubing Rob Bell every Sunday morning. And God knows I get all the praise and worship I need in my car to keep me motivated. Surprisingly the sermon was pretty good and I agreed with most all of it. The point of God getting us into a good financial position was all outward focused on increasing our ability to give into the lives of others. I believe this 100%. Jake is the most giving person I have ever known. If we had a choice in how to live we would be rich and give it all away. Do projects for those truly in need, bless the under privileged. Give our lives and work for something that matters. I would truly rather be a servant than be served and so would he. Now while this was probably NOT where we are going to land, it wasn't a bad start. If the prosperity doctrine had been preached, someone had laid hands on us, or no one had been kind or welcoming, my search for a place of spiritual growth and contribution may have ended this morning. After church we went to lunch and talked about what we are looking for, and what we need. We both have the same wants and needs, and we both realize we aren't going to find anything perfect. We just want to find where we need to be for this season. This time of change. I am just relieved I made it through step 1, and am still willing to go ahead and take another step.
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