Finding Faith

God. A really big subject I have bee quiet on for a while. Not because I have lost my faith or because I have become complainant. More because I have been spending time growing deeper into what I truly believe because of my personal experiences with God and not because of what I have been taught or told. Today I read a post on Facebook that bothered me so that I had to speak up. It was one of those "Christian" posts letting another group of people know hell was waiting for them because of their beliefs, and even if this individual posting this was wrong wasn't it worth believing in case he was right as an insurance policy against hell? WHAT??? And this is so often how God is represented. Vengeful. Condemning. Out for blood, literally. Dear God, and we wonder why people fall away from the church and often Christianity and a whole. The fact that God doesn't strike "His own people" dead for their gross misrepresentation of who God is should be a shining example of His love and grace. This individual posted how Jesus spoke of hell more than heaven. Hell is mentioned 31 times in the entire Bible. The pit 3 times. And the grave another 31. Love is mentioned over 300 times in the KJV and over 500 in the NIV. Such a massive contrast don't you think? My beliefs have grown so much since I first became that firey Christian who believed she was set apart from the world and therefore somehow better than the sinners. I have grown to see the falicy of that belief. Choosing to live a life that shows love instead of selfishness does set you apart, but it doesn't make you so special. I believe where the Bible says there is none righteous is not a statement of condemnation or to make us all afraid we are going to hell without saying a prayer and taking out our insurance policy, but a truth that puts us all back on the same level. We all fail. We all sin. The priest and the murderer, the faithful housewife and the prostitute. We all carry sin in our lives. Judgement, strife, envy, gossip. If it hurts someone else you can rest assured it shouldn't be part of our lives. But it is. For all of us. I fail in it everyday and if you are honest with yourself I know you will say you do as well. Yet God keeps loving us and seeking us This is the God I have come to know God is not this vengeful, blood thirsty deity so many paint him as. He is this unending sea of love, that looks at us with the same eyes we see our children through. With those same rose colored glasses that we wear when our hearts are first captured by our true love. When my children make a mistake my heart hurts for the consequences I know they will face, but that error doesn't define who my child is. I see their hearts, their potential, and even the growth that will come from having messed up. I see my family and friends through love. God sees us all this way. Not just those special people who have said the right prayers and made the right public confessions. I can't say it enough. God is much bigger than the little box we keep trying to stuff him in. Now let's get to the real sticky and controversial part of my belief. Do I believe Jesus had to be put to a horrific death on the cross and shed his blood to pay for my sins? Yes and No. Let's start with No. No I do not believe God required his son to be brutalized for me to go to Heaven. No I do not believe blood sacrifices erase sin or it's consequences. This makes God beneath us. I do not require a gift or a sacrife to forgive someone and I am far from perfect so why would God. I don't buy that interpretation. But Yes for another set of reasons. Jesus came to show us who God is. At the time when God came to earth in the form of man blood sacrifices were the way to earn forgiveness. God literally spilled his own blood not just to set man free from that practice but to show this massive love for us. The willingness to give all for us. The type of love we all need to feel valued and to be able to breathe life into others. Was a death necessary for me to be forgiven by God? No. Was it necessary for me to see how much I am loved and be able to forgive myself and accept that forgiveness? Yes Today I just really wanted to share this part of my belief with those of you who had a moment to listen. If you have time to comment please share an important part of your faith with me. I believe we all have a lot to learn from one another.

Merry Christmas Morning

What a different kind of Christmas we find ourselves having this year. One weekend to celebrate with all of our family and friends. Only one child left at home, and a quiet Christmas Eve and morning. We tried to hold on to a few traditions. We went to church on Sunday, we delivered cookies to the police department and fire station, and I am sure we will have a nice dinner tonight (but will probably skip the desserts). I find as our family dynamics change and we grow older, Christmas traditions are sure to change for us. I have found that over the years, not only have my traditions slowly changed, but that my beliefs on Christmas have changed as well. I don't want to loose the magic of the season, but without a child's eyes to view Christmas through, this year it has somewhat lost its luster. Yet, I find in my soul a greater brightness associated with the day. See, over the years, I feel my religious beliefs have also slowly changed, and this blessed day, that was always held in high honor as it calls to remembrance the birth of our Savior, now has a fuller meaning. Jake and I were talking a bit about this last night. I have spent quite some time thinking about and redefining my religious beliefs (and though I hope I will never be finished doing so), I feel I have come a lot closer to what I need to believe for me. You know that whole "work out your OWN salvation with fear and trembling" is a scripture that has value to me. And for me, here is what Christmas means. I choose to believe in Jesus, and that today represents His birth. I do not believe that He came because God demanded His blood for my salvation, or that such great punishment was necessary to appease a righteous God to save my soul from hell. This for me, would ruin the whole story. It would take away from he beauty of a sacrificial love, and it would seriously make me question if that was the type of God I wanted to be called a child of (which actually explains a lot of Christians, but we aren't talking about that today). I told Jake last night for me Jesus is important. I am the type of person who needs saving. Saving not from the wrath of a righteous God, but saving from myself. Saving from my inability to forgive myself and see myself as worthy. I need that unfailing love that says I will lay down all I have and all I am for you. I believe the story of Jesus's birth, death, and resurrection, should not have the dark cloud of justification hanging over it, but should focus on the love displayed. If God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are one as many groups believe, then God gave Himself for us. The view of God from the old testament would have to be warped by man's opinions and desire for justice, and not relevant at all to who God really is. I just can't get past God being LOVE. A God who loved us enough to leave the ease and beauty of heaven and join us in our struggles on earth. A God who wanted to demonstrate an unquestionable love in a way we could not deny. A God who came (or sent his son , depending on how you view it), to give us a gift we could pass on to others. LOVE. Pure unadulterated love. I believe the example set by Jesus is necessary to this heart. It is needed for me to move past my failures and know he still loves me this much. It is needed for me to feel that perfection is not required, and love is not earned, but freely given. I am one of those who need rescuing (while I want to be able to do a little rescuing myself). I need this display of love to give me the strength and desire to love and rescue others. Today I am grateful for the meaning of the season. And the meaning for me is another opportunity to recognize the indescribable love of God. A love I believe we are to not only receive, but give to others. May this Christmas bring love and peace to your hearts. A love that you cannot help but pass on!

Snowflakes and the # Me Too Movement

I don't even know how to start this article without being offensive, but I am going to try. Apparently now a days, you can breathe too heavily and be offensive, so I really shouldn't feel the need to be too gentle. I mean, in all honesty, the whole point of this post is to candidly ask why people can't grow up, put on their big girl panties and big boy boxers (and yes, I am aware some of you will find that statement sexist because God knows I would be remiss if I did not mention girls can wear boxers and boys can wear panties if they choose). I just think this morning's assault of Rudolph on line followed by the news that one of my favorite Christmas songs is no longer permissible has pushed me over the edge and my soapbox is calling my name. So with all of the #Metoo momentum (which I thoroughly believe is a sexist movement) it appears women have gotten tired of taking away the stories of real rape victims, tired of victimizing men they consented to sleep with and later regretted, and tired of being sexist towards men in general. Now we need to attack Christmas music and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. The idea that the song Baby It's Cold Outside is unacceptable while it songs like So Bad by Eminem and Rich Sex by Nicki Minaj are acceptable astound me. (And for your information my children had to help me with these because I don't listen to this genre). In fact, if the simple things in life can become taboo, you better take some classics off of the radio as well. I just don't understand these people who get offended by everything, who take their pills to make it through everyday life , who claim to be anxiety ridden and depressed, but haven't suffered half of what most people have gone through. You especially see it in our younger generation. They have grasped on to #Metoo, mental health awareness, safe spaces, pills for anxiety and depression, and any other club or organization that glorifies the difficult parts of life like they are drowning in a sea of reality and don't know how to survive. What happened to allowing your problems to make you. How are you supposed to learn and grow from the difficulties in life if you are too numb to feel them? Now while I am on this topic let me add that there people who truly have mental and emotional issues but, I believe they are a very small percentage of the people who use them as crutch to get through life. I believe this is all one big money racket for the mental health professionals and pharmaceutical companies. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE experiences anxiety and depression. Everyone goes through both self inflicted, and the natural course of life issues that make us angry, hurt, and even afraid. That is LIFE. We need to learn to deal with issues as they arise and push through them. In 2017 according to anxiety.org one in five Americans are medicated for anxiety or depression, and that number is rising. We were at 16% in 2015 and 20% two years later. This astounds me. Children are being medicated and labeled at an early age. Many people depend on a chemical to make it through everyday, ordinary life. And you wonder why we are surrounded by a world of snowflakes? This is why.... Well, I have already made a few enemies this morning, so let me push this a bit further. Want to hear a personal belief that I think will probably offend a number of you? While you want to take away the things that offend you, I think there are things that need to be taken away form those who can't cope. If you are unable to deal with the day to day without the help of an anxiety or depression medication I think you probably shouldn't have gun rights. Unless it is a special circumstance. You see, what all this mass flocking to #Metoo and mental health issues does, is it takes away the legitimacy from people who actually deal with deep issues. All of you women who are following a movement claiming how some rich and powerful man assaulted you (while you were probably using him to see what you could get), takes away the voice of a woman who was violently raped by her boss. While all of you 20 year olds who can't deal with a life you haven't even started to live yet, are living off of prescription drugs and talking about your PTSD, a soldier who had to see and participate in violent acts for your freedom looses his voice. And what about all of the people who have truly dealt with a traumatic life and carry through. How do you think your endless crying about difficulties that have barely touched you affect them? Well let me tell you from experience. From someone who has endured homelessness, assault (and though I rarely ever speak of it and many don't know, one instance of rape). I still have nightmares from things I experienced decades ago. I often wake up crying or afraid even though I am safe and loved. I legitimately had all the symptoms of PTSD when I first came of out of some of the hardest circumstances in my life. There have been a few times in the recent past when I have felt completely broken and defeated. But I choose to push on. I feel like all the sniveling people who can't cope with the day to day take away from those who have suffered and survived. I feel like the pharmaceutical industry keeps people from finding a real solution to their distress by taking their money and numbing their minds. I feel like most of these movements, while founded in the interest of hurting people have only caused more harm than good. What has truly helped me more than anything else in this life to get trough my struggles has been those who would listen to me and love me no matter where I stood mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually Those who would take time to talk to me and share their own problems and how they made it through. I can't lie, one time I saw a doctor and aske for a non-psychotic drug to help me through what I thought was an overwhelming moment. I took 1/2 of a pill and said never again. I will push through and make it. Not numb, not pacified, but learning to walk one step at a time and developing inner strength through the journey.

Changes

I had nightmares again last night. You know the kind? Deep and real. Where it takes several minutes upon waking to realize it was only a dream. I sleep very poorly to begin with. I wake up every couple of hours. Every time I awoke, I seriously questioned whether or not I wanted to go back to sleep because I was afraid I would re-enter the dream again. And damn if I didn't. I ended up staying in this bed until 8AM, and I am glad this night is over. Now to shake the darkness. Nightmares are not unusual for me. Though they usually revolve around my childhood, my first marriage, or my children being young and my constant fear that I am going to loose them or not be able to care for them. I am used to those dreams, and though they are haunting, I awake knowing I have already lived through and survived those difficult situation. My children are all ok, and we made it through! We not only made it, we came out better than most who have walked our paths. So those dreams are a bit easier to shake. Last night my nightmares all involved my present and my future. I know these dreams were precipitated by an in depth conversation I had with my husband last night. I hate bringing negative energy into our lives, but sometimes, it is better to discuss things head on, no matter how uncomfortable, than to carry them around and let them fester. I seem to be at a strange stage in my life. My children are nearly all gone, I am pushing 50, but I am feeling more like I am starting anew. I have been working hard on my health, my weight, my definition of what I believe (and what I do not believe), and as I have (and will always try to do), I have continued to try to be the best at everything I attempt. I feel like I am taking some time to redefine myself. To really look inside and see who I am and who I want to be. I have really been enjoying my work for the first time in forever. The last month has been amazing. And though that is inaccurately attributed to the return of our former CEO, the first reason is because I am useful, and busy, and challenged once again. Not to say that the CEO's return has not given me hope for some returned morale and hopefully some more direction and knowledge when it comes to what changes are going on and what to expect, but one man can only make so much change, and I realize that amount of change is NOT going to happen overnight. The first change comes in me. I hope two weeks from now, I am able to hold onto my work motivation. But once again we will see. My husband sees my drive, and sometimes I think it bothers him. He calls me corporate and that really bothers me. I feel like it is an insult for some reason. We discussed my drive and my reasons for it last night. I am truly not a very materialistic person. For me, the desire to succeed and make it further in my life is not about money. Now, don't get me wrong, money is nice and I am sick and tired of having debt hang over our heads. I still have hospital bills I am working slowly on. It sucks. But I don't wan to succeed to raise my financial status. I want to live comfortably and without debt. I never want to have too much money because I have seen too many people let that change them, and remove their focus from others and end up solely on themselves. I never want this to be me. But I want my work to be recognized. I want to stand out from my peers. I want to look back and say, I came from homelessness to this. So maybe instead of materialistic, I am prideful. Three years ago I would have said this was wrong. I shouldn't feel this way. But as I have spent time on this path of self discovery, I no longer feel that. It may be a form of pride, but not all pride is wrong. I want to be able to be proud of my accomplishments. I think it is ok that I am super competitive. I have been that way since I first entered school. Being competitive ensured I made it through school with some teenage years that would have kept most people from ever graduating. Being competitive kept me involved in a cultish dance group that no matter how badly it ended, gave me a focus for my drive that kept me sane during a marriage that nearly ruined me. And let's be really REAL here for a moment. Being competitive even helped in starting my relationship with my husband. I was created this way, and I don't think it is bad. It could be used badly, but everything can. I do not feel the need to apologize for it. I am going to embrace it and continue to use it to push me forward. I told my husband last night I don't care if I end up working at Food Lion in Avon one day. I am going to be the best damn bagger they have ever had. I want to give 110% to whatever I am focused on at that stage of life. We have a shared dream for our future. We both want more than anything to move to Buxton or the surrounding area. We both seem to have a different idea of how this should happen. I think he is more than ready to sell the house, cash in our chips, and just go. Win or loose, take a chance. I get this to a degree. I really do. I am not getting any younger here, and I want to get there before I am too old to enjoy it. He tells me I need to read Steve Job's book and how he hated what his life was. I get that too. I already know from my illness several years back all of the regrets I faced when I had those times of not being sure my body was going to heal. But I am afraid. Not just afraid, but terrified. I have been poor. I have had to not pay bills to buy food. I have had to beg and borrow to keep on my lights or get heat. I have lived on the street and had to wash my hair in gasoline to get the lice out. I have ate out of dumpsters. I don't want to fail. I think maybe my husband thinks I don't trust his ability to provide for us and that could not be further from the truth. No matter what we need, he always finds a way to make it happen. But here we have connections and opportunities we will not have there. Sometimes it takes more than ability, it takes opportunity and I see the lack of it in that area. I want to focus on paying off our debt and then buy a second home. I am thinking once summer ends I am going to pick up a weekend job waitressing or cleaning (whatever I can find) and see if I can be more helpful in getting us ahead. I don't want him to think I don't share this dream, because I want it more than I want just about anything. I just want some security going in. I feel like I am holding him back. I told him if he can figure out how to do his way, he can work from his end and I will work from mine. That went over the wrong direction. Jake is the best thing that ever came into my life. Other than my children and my nanny, he is the first person I have ever felt has loved me unconditionally, and I worship him for that. He is the type of person I want to be. He is the most honest, fair, compassionate person I know. He puts others before himself to his own detriment at times. I admire that so much. There are very few people with those qualities anymore. I want to be more like that myself. I think in the scuffle of life he forgets how much I value him. He feels like I put other things before him. I feel like every part of my life that I make better, that I work hard in, benefits us both. If I am better, WE are better. Sometimes I feel like we are both looking at a mountain from a different side. His is lush and green, and mine is a rock wall needing to be climbed. We are feeling like we might be on two different pages, but we both really just have a different approach to the same pinnacle. And finally, let me not leave this topic of my nightmare without discussing some of the most important introspection I have been dealing with in the last few months. God and where I stand on my belief system. I guess it is time to come out of the closet on this as well. My beliefs have really been evolving here lately. I no longer feel tied to a ridged belief system. I feel that God is so much bigger than I ever gave him/her credit for. And I say the him/her part because I feel he is neither male nor female, he is bigger than being defined by a sexuality (as we should be as well). I believe the true God is evident in more than one religious belief. In fact I thing religion in necessary for our shallow way of thinking, and like a guide for humankind wherever they may live, and whatever culture they may have been born into. I think there are some things all religions have right, and some things all religions have wrong. I think the things that we share that are based on love, on putting others before ourselves, on causing no harm, on living a clean and beautiful life are the things that put us in sync with God. I think all of the judgement, and having to impose our beliefs, and our preferences on others are the things that pull us away from God. Coming to believe this whole heartedly has radically transformed my spiritual state. And now that I have truly allowed myself to accept that this is what I believe deep inside, I feel I am making some very positive strides in my spirituality. Now I know this confession is like stepping out of my old skin. And it feels good. May I never be a judgmental, conservative Christian again. You need to find your way with God, I need to find mine. We need to be able to love each other and learn from our differences. Even learn to appreciate our differences. I want to just live conscious of each moment. Of how I can bring a moment of love or acceptance to someone else, and how I can connect with the rest of God's world. Well, I guess this is far too much confession for one day. My husband and the gym are waiting.

My Weight Loss Journey

Ok, so maybe I should call this my health journey, because the changes I have made in my life over the last 5 weeks are to encompass so much more than just loosing weight. But weight is what started this change. I saw a photo of myself one day and I thought, OH GOD, how did I get here? It wasn't that my husband was dissatisfied with me, or I felt like I needed to be more acceptable to others. It was that I was disgusted with myself for taking such poor care of my body, and I wanted to be more acceptable to ME. I think had I started this lifestyle change for any other reason, I would not have been able to come so far. And thankfully it was something my husband was interested in doing as well, so it has made our meal planning so much easier when we are all on board. Now 5 weeks in I am noticing changes not only in my body, but in myself that I really wasn't expecting. I feel so much better. I can't say every morning at 5 AM I am jumping up and down excited to be heading for the gym, but I can say I have never regretted going not one single day once my workout is complete. I have so much more energy and focus when I start the day with a full workout. I feel my body getting stronger. I could not even run a full 2 minutes when I started this journey without feeling like my chest was going to explode. Yesterday I ran 1.65 miles. My longest distance yet. I have started to notice a decrease in cellulite and definite change in my muscles. I still have light years of change I want to see, but every small triumph makes it so worth my while. I see a definite change in my face, and I feel like I look younger due to that! It has definitely made me feel better about myself. I don't feel the need to run and put on my makeup every morning, and am feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I guess for me, I am very much an introspective type of person. Every choice, every change I need to understand my reasoning and ponder both the positive and negative effects on my life. For me, the change in my body has also started a change in my mind. I never really thought I could do this. It is hard. It takes commitment, and the ability to press on when my body is screaming for an hour more of sleep or that piece of cornbread! I have had to push myself and deny myself in ways that I haven't done in a very long time. Making a marked change in my body has inspired me even more to outline the changes I want to make in my spiritual life. I have become more thoughtful about what that really means to me, and who I want to be. It is strange that this part of my spiritual journey has pulled me closer into a more personal road, than a well defined "church walk". I feel like if I am capable of change and denial in my body, I am capable of the same things in my mind and spirit and want to walk on a higher plane. Not only has my changes started me thinking about more depth in my life, it has changed how I look at myself, and how I feel I need to respond to those around me. I am strong. I am able. I am more confident. I do not need to please you. I do not need to go above and beyond my own comfort zone in trying to find acceptance. I am learning self love and that really cuts down on my need for social acceptance. I want to keep my circle small and intimate. I have also felt the positive effects of this journey in my marriage. The fact that Jake and I are doing this together has been another great journey in our lives. He has been a wonderful support, and while I am able to keep us on track nutritionally, he has been one hell of a trainer, and I so enjoy spending time with him KILLING me a the gym. The weight loss on both sides have really kicked things up a notch in the bedroom as well. Another great result of this hard work that I was not anticipating. So, if you want to make a change. You want to be healthy, feel better, and shed some of those unneeded pounds, do it for YOU. And you can do it! If you need support, I am here. I would love to share this journey with others who thought it to be as impossible as I once did!

Finding the Beauty

Wow! I read some of my blogs this morning and they are particularly angry and negative. Granted I write better with passion and rage. And often writing is my therapy, but good grief, that was too much. Maybe it is time to turn things around. See I am at this great new phase in my life where I am starting to care less about appearances, and care more about who I am. Who I want to be, and who I need to be. And that person is NOT negative and down. I want to be that person who finds the beauty in life and that is the direction I am heading. I got up early this morning (well late actually at 7 AM) and went on a 3 mile jog. It was overcast and drizzling, but beautiful nonetheless. Most days I would have only seen the gloom and thought it better to lie in bed a little longer. I decided instead this morning that I need to start placing my focus and my energies on the positive aspects of my life. No matter how small, the positive always exists, even when intertwined with the most negative of situations. So as I walked in the misty rain this morning I sought out beauty in my surroundings, and beauty in my life. And I was not disappointed. I am very fortunate to live in such a beautiful area. Though you will often hear me say Danville is a cesspool, I am lucky enough to live out in the county where I can walk down my road and see all the beauty of nature. Not only that, I am healthy enough to get up and actually feel like pushing my body to go that extra mile. There was a time a few years back when walking to the couch was something I didn't feel like doing. How ungrateful of me to complain about so many extenuating circumstances of life, when I have my health and the ability to enjoy all of the beautiful surroundings I have been blessed with. I take these small things for granted and it is a shame. Today I will let my focus remain on the beauty of nature. I feel closer to God when I am alone in the woods or by the ocean. I feel at peace with myself, and who I truly am, when I have the clarity of mind to lay aside the stresses of everyday life and take a moment to dwell on something lasting and real. I think we all get so caught up in the drama of survival that we forget how to live. Life should be more than schedules and obligations, work and bills, finances and stresses. Life should take those things that we have to do, and counter weigh them with the things we want to do! Talking with a close friend, spending a lazy evening with our spouse, playing with our children, feeling our grandkids hug our necks and say they love us. And take time for you. Time to take a walk and revisit the beauty of nature. A quiet morning on the deck with a cup of coffee and a good book. So today, take time for you. Take time for the ones you love, and take time to appreciate al of the things that truly matter!

Finding me.

So, yesterday I had a very uncomfortable conversation that left me questioning a number of things. I think right now, with all that is happening in this crazy world, there are many uncomfortable conversations taking place. Often when things around us look all wrong, the first place we have to look is inward to define who we are, and what we truly believe. Defining these things are often hard for me. I have spent the largest portion of my life trying to live in all black or white. Good or bad. Right or wrong. Grey, neutral, and ok have not been part of the equation. At least not in my mind. When I spent years as a Christian I had to attempt to be one of those super Christians who appeared to have it all together. Looking back I see I was full of judgment and pride. You know the type of people I am talking about. I hid it better than some, but inwardly I had these very feelings. When I was bad, I was all bad. I might as well have tattooed my forehead with "I am going to find a faster route to hell and I'm proud of it". I couldn't fall from my pedestal of grace without declaring God was a villain and I was going to take a stand. I always had to be on one side or another. I had to be all in. And I guess we can compare this to the Biblical term of being hot or cold. Well, that is one thing in the Bible I have gotten right. But I believe even in this I have taken it to an extreme. I have come to learn that I can sin and God does not have to be outside of my life. And in no way am I justifying intentional sin, I am just saying, it isn't one or the other. I have learned there is absolutely no such thing as a person who has it all right, or all wrong. We don't live in a black and white world. I believe even the most heinous individual has good inside of them. We are all equal and have the same capacity for good or evil. Now the last thing I want to do is make this a religious post, but this type of thinking has been a large part of my life, so it is important to show the background for my line of thinking. I like my life organized into simple answers, clearly defined boundaries, and a sense of right and wrong. Conservatives want to harp on liberals and try to put them down, but I learned recently that a conservatives point of view is really no different. Overall, especially in business and politics it appears the end justifies the means. I had someone say yesterday (I had a number of interesting conversations) that people buy what they want in politics. I wonder at the end of the day if the deeper pockets always win. People buy what they want when it comes to political issues. Conservatives as well a liberals. People think the outcome out ways the path. This theory gave me pause to think deeply yesterday, and after having to finally shut my mind down with wine, I slept on it, and determined my view. Or at least I refined it a little more. I do believe we need to put our money where our heart is (not where our mouth is because those are often two totally different places). I don't think there is a problem with supporting a cause, but I believe when the outcome is decided through personal gain it is wrong. I hate politics. And I don't want to accept it as ok. I hate politics in the church, politics in the workplace, and politics in friendships. I don't want my relationships, my status at a job, or my place in a religious institution to be based on how well I play the game, and what I can do for you. IT ISN'T REAL! This is a viewpoint I do not want to change. But this is how our world functions. I see it at my job. I unfortunately see it at my husbands, and I fear it is a part of everyday life for most people. It is prevalent in the church. People match up with friends who can get them somewhere or provide something for them. I don't want this to be me. So what does that mean? That I quit my job, denounce religion, and become a hermit? No, it means I function in a screwed up society by living what I believe. I need to focus harder on that. Ethics and equal standards no longer exist. People truly believe it is o.k. to justify the means if the end is a positive product. Is it ok for me be believe cooking the books in a company is ok, if in the end they can acquire a bigger gain? Is it ok to believe our laws are just and fair if they have been established by payoffs? Is it ok to believe it doesn't really matter how management presents itself or follows basic ethical guidelines as long as at the end of the day their numbers are good and their area functions in spite of them. Is it just being neutral and on middle ground to feel this way? I thought about this deeply as well, and the answer for me is NO. Luckily though these kind of issues fall outside of my scope of concern. My issue isn't right or wrong on this on my part, my issue is keeping my eyes on my actions and responsibilities. I need to make sure my practices are ethical, and what others do is not my business. This is my conclusion. I feel for those who are walking through the negative effects, but let's be honest here, been there, done that, got the T shirt. Is it wrong? Yes. Is it life? Yes. Do we have a choice in the matter? Yes. Keep moving forward or find a new path. My fear is a new path may lead to the same end. So maybe my path should be my only real concern. Keeping it swept and clear of this type of debris. You know another issue I am tackling on a personal level is that I am a rebel. I have yet to fully define who I am and what I believe and I always feel I need to define what box I fit in. My husband couldn't have spoken a more liberating truth to me, than when he said last night that boxes don't really exist. I use my rebellious spirit to rage against things I perceive as wrong, and build my own boxes while crying out against them. That was so deep I had to shut my brain down to let it sink it. I think I have to care about every single thing and I carry a lot of unnecessary weight. I need to learn to lay it down. I need to care about what I do, what I have the power to change, and forget about the rest. This is where I want to be. This is my new goal. So, what have I learned about myself? I need to lay down stuff that I don't own. I need to fix the things I do own! I need to quit trying to force myself into the church box, the work box, the what people expect of me box and learn to live out who I am. On an even more personal note, I also need to learn to identify who I am outside of my relationships and titles. I have always defined myself by my husband, my children, my job, my beliefs. But under all of this wrapping I need to know who I am. I am just getting to the stage of my life where I want to dig down deep and discover these things. It is scary and messy, and frustrating, but at times very rewarding. Who I am, and who I want to be are two separate people. But what I want is this. To be real. To be truthful. To work hard and love harder. To NOT be fake. If it isn't real, it doesn't count. Those things alone are enough............. for now.