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Sunday, December 31, 2017

Killing the Flower

Here we are once again at the closing of another year. All my life I have heard that the older you get, the quicker time passes. I have found that truer words may have never been spoken. While this year was not a total loss, I must admit I am not sad to see it go. I have had a difficult year. A rather dark and depressing year when you think about it. So I must say it is with a sigh of relief that I see an end in sight. But the end I am speaking of is not necessarily 2017, and the changes won't start for me on January 1st. In all honesty the changes began right before Christmas. Well, the positive changes began before Christmas. The negative changes seemed to have accelerated near the end of 2016. Over the course of this last year I have lost my focus, my joy, my drive. I seemed to get sucked into a pattern of thinking that led me down a path that chased after my wants, my needs, my dreams, and further away from who I was created to be, and the things that are truly important. This pattern of thinking led me out of the deep and into shallow muddy waters. It led me so far away from who I am. It led me so far away from my God. But thankfully, that slow crawl backwards, is becoming an unsteady walk forward. And I feel it get steadier each passing day. Even here, in sharing this story, I feel I am making more forward strides. You see, the things that pull us away from who we are meant to be don't come to us as ravenous wolves, but truly as wolves in sheep's clothing. They aren't some huge sin, or a massively destructive choice that pulls us off of the path. Sin appears as a tiny yellow flower just barely touching the path we are meant to take. So small. so innocent, so beautiful. Nothing more than a tiny joy outside of the mundane existence of walking down a path that is hot, dusty, and desolate (to our tired and weary minds). And that beautiful flower (or simple thought) is something that once picked up joins itself to our soul. It becomes a ravenous weed that grows roots deep inside our spirit and changes who we are, how we think, how we behave, until what was becomes foreign, and we no longer seem to even govern our own steps. Everyone dwells on sin, and I believe we sin everyday, but true sin is a change of heart or a change of thinking that draws us away from God. It is not so much in the acts we commit, but in a heart and a mindset that allows us to commit those acts, and to excuse them. It is any choice we make that puts our love of ourselves above our love for God, and our love for others. As I have started this journey forward I have found my conscience to be much more intact. The other day I sent an email. An irritated, why do I have to deal with this stupidity, lightly veiled email full of frustration and mild contempt. And I felt so stinking guilty for it! Even when my husband said he feels the exact same way rather often, I still felt bad. I still feel bad. And I am so grateful for that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. A few months ago I would have excused my behavior because the person on the other end asked for it. This person's lack of understanding and lack of work ethic warranted my reply. But that is not true. I am no better of a person, and I should love and respond as God would. That is my new goal. Every morning when I rise, and how I weigh my actions of the day before I close my eyes at night will all be based on did I put others before myself. Did I love God with ALL of my heart, soul, and mind, or just parts of it. I want my life to center around the words of Jesus, when he said the two greatest commands are to love God with all your heart soul and mind, and to love your neighbor as yourself. Jesus said "on these two commandments, hang all the law, and the prophets." This I believe with all of my heart. If we can live within these bounds of love, everything else will line up. If I choose to do something purely for my own good, my own pleasure, my own success, with no thought of the consequences for those around me, I choose wrong. If I put myself above another I choose wrong. If I place my wants for my life above God's plans I choose wrong. I never thought that while living such a blessed and happy life, I could so easily step away from where I was meant to be, but it happened in the complacency. I no longer wish to be complacent, and I no longer want my achievements to be marked as steps forward or successes in my own life. I want my achievements to be the help I provide to others, the light that my life shows, the relationships I have built, and the truths that I have spoken. I want to return to the simple things that shifted out of focus under the weights that I chose to carry. I want everyday to put God and my family, friends, and even enemies before me. So as I chose to walk forward please have patience with me. I am not claiming to be better than anyone. I have learned that is jut not true. We are all the same. We all deal with anger, jealousy, desire, contempt. We all have moments of feeling hurt and abused, and of feeling superior. We all have to choose every moment of everyday if we will serve ourselves or others, and if we will follow our shallow desires or follow God. I fell. I chose to follow a shallow mindset. Now I am laying it down and walking forward. I still have roots attached to my ankles, ever so often pulling me slightly backwards. Asking me if I really want to let go of that delicate yellow flower. Right now, I don't want to just let go, I want to set it on fire and offer it up on an alter to God. Offer up the experience of failure, offer up the knowledge that I am better than no one, offer up the ability to help someone else who is entwined in a poisonous way of thinking. And offer up a love I thought I had lost, that calls out to us even when we are too full of ourselves to see it still exists! The week before Christmas God met me in my car in the Sam's Club parking lot, and as I laid my head on the steering wheel and cried in front of everyone walking past, I felt nothing more than love and acceptance. No condemnation, no fear. May I in all my imperfections offer the same to others that a perfect God was willing to offer a wretch like me!

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Finding a New Church. Part 1

It has been quite a while since I have posted on this blog. The last year and half have been a whirlwind of activity and change. And right now I feel almost as if the slate before us is perfectly bare and we are starting a new chapter. And believe me when I say I am both grateful and extremely ready for something new and different. One of the things we are looking for that is different is a new church home. I have never left a church on good terms before, with no ill feelings, but for the first time ever have found this to be where I am. Our church wasn't bad. We aren't upset with anyone. We aren't opposed to what they preach or what their vision is. It just wasn't where we belong. We were growing stagnant, and there must be change, accountability, and responsibility to stimulate the type of growth Jake and I are hoping to attain. I personally don't think one church or one demonization is correct or has it all together and another is lacking. I think we are all different people and we have to plug in where we can be fed, and where we can be used. That is what we are hoping to find. This morning was the first new church we visited in respect to finding a new church home. And I was both scared and nervous when we arrived. I am kind of touchy about religion in general. I believe our spirituality and our relationship with God should be so much more than sitting in a pew once or twice a week. I am like everyone else and have struggled (and am struggling) through some MAJOR roadblocks in my own life. I think these things make us stronger. Make us more able to relate to and sympathize with others. In my case it brings about a much needed dose of humility and the inability to ever think because of Jesus I have it all together. I used to be one of THOSE Christians. I never wanted it to show, but inwardly I thought I was better than THOSE other people. You know the ones. The ones who smoke, or drink, or lie, or cheat. God forbid! I didn't seem to recognize that I judged, I was proud in my thinking, I reeked of sin worse than the ones most people wear outwardly. This is NOT the kind of church we want to be involved in. (Just for the record for the most part, our past church wasn't like that, it certainly wasn't their vision to be, but I have been involved in these type of groups before). So in short church shopping is scary! So we walk in this morning and it is very different than what we are accustomed to. People were nice and spoke to us, and the music was pretty good. Now it had a bit of a Pentecostal edge to it (and after sitting in a Baptist church for 8 years, I believe I have been converted). I now felt that uncomfortable twinge that I am sure most people feel in an environment that is a bit out of their comfort zone. To make matters worse, I notice on the bulletin that the sermon was going to be on finances, and there was a place to take notes. "Sweet baby Jesus, please don't let this be some prosperity doctrine church." I thought. Been there, done that, did NOT buy the T-shirt, and don't plan on ever doing it again. If my first pick was leading me backwards, Jake was going to do all the choosing from now on, or I will be sitting at home You-tubing Rob Bell every Sunday morning. And God knows I get all the praise and worship I need in my car to keep me motivated. Surprisingly the sermon was pretty good and I agreed with most all of it. The point of God getting us into a good financial position was all outward focused on increasing our ability to give into the lives of others. I believe this 100%. Jake is the most giving person I have ever known. If we had a choice in how to live we would be rich and give it all away. Do projects for those truly in need, bless the under privileged. Give our lives and work for something that matters. I would truly rather be a servant than be served and so would he. Now while this was probably NOT where we are going to land, it wasn't a bad start. If the prosperity doctrine had been preached, someone had laid hands on us, or no one had been kind or welcoming, my search for a place of spiritual growth and contribution may have ended this morning. After church we went to lunch and talked about what we are looking for, and what we need. We both have the same wants and needs, and we both realize we aren't going to find anything perfect. We just want to find where we need to be for this season. This time of change. I am just relieved I made it through step 1, and am still willing to go ahead and take another step.

Friday, May 27, 2016

Looking at life from a different viewpoint

Life has been hectic for the last year to say the very least. Over worked, over tired, and over stressed would all be understatements when describing our lives. Jake and I have been killing ourselves working crazy hours, doing extra jobs, taking care of the house, the kids, school, and everything else you can think of. We are working hard to pay off our debt and reach our dream of moving to the coast. Nearly a month ago I kicked it into over drive in preparation for our son returning from Okinawa for a brief visit, a short vacation with the family, a graduation party for our middle daughter, a welcome home party for our son, getting all my responsibilities at work completed so I could take a bit of time off, getting my house spotless, and everything ready to go away, getting ahead on my studies so I could not have to focus on them while we were gone, not to mention the daily routine of cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of my chickens, etc... etc.... Well apparently I am not as strong as I used to be because I pushed myself so hard my immune system took a vacation and I ended up with an acute case of salmonella. And speaking from experience with illness I would have to say that is the sickest I have ever been in my life. I nearly died. I had been sick 8 days by the time I was diagnosed and I was so dehydrated and depleted my organs were starting to shut down. It is funny how when you are that sick and it takes all of your energy just to breathe, how your mind seems to shut down as well. It is very dark and solitary. It is still haunting at times. I have never EVER been so sick that I was looking forward to dying. This was a horrible experience to say the least. Thank God for a praying and loving husband who never left my side. Thanks to all my friends and family who prayed for and showed concern for me. This experience was a game changer. It was amazing to see the people who reached out to us, and the ones who didn't. They say when hard times or illness come you know who is true and who isn't, and that is a fact. I learned several important things through this experience, and it seemed to really change the way I think. 1. I worry too much about things I don't need to worry about. I need to just let some things go. I have decided at this point to make a few changes in my life, and in my pursuit of a different future. I am planning now on just finishing my real estate licensing and not going back to college to complete my business management degree. I am still hoping to land a job as a property manager at some point, but if a 4.0 in my one semester in college in business management, a real estate license, and 12 years experience as an area manager for a finance company isn't good enough, well, it will be their loss. I will trust in God to open the right door, in the right time. No more killing ourselves to pay for college for me, or for my fitting one more thing in my hectic schedule. God has blessed me with a position that I was not originally qualified for, and with my experience and drive He can do it again. 2. I don't have time for the negativity and drama. Life is too short to be negative, or to have unneeded drama in our lives. God knows life comes with enough unavoidable conflict without adding to it. There are people that are just going to have to take backseat in our lives. Both friends and family members who tend to bring me down. I am done with it. I will be here if anyone needs me, but I can't deal with unnecessary drama any longer. Life is just too short. I am praying God shows me how to balance this with love. To be able to be present, but to know when it is time to just shut it down. This will be a work in process, and it will take me a bit to get it right, but I am definitely headed in that direction. 3. Work does not need to rule my life, and I need to slack off on trying to keep everything perfect. It wasn't like I was always succeeding in that anyway. I have let work take too high a priority in my life, and I have always strived to do everything at 100% all of the time. Well I have learned the hard way I can't do it. I need help. I need to rely on my family to help me. I need to put things in the proper order. And if I need a day from work for my family, then by God I am going to take it. I have missed things I shouldn't have missed, and if I had died this would have been one of my greatest regrets. I will focus on things based on priority. Now don't get me wrong, my competitive drive has in no way died, and I will still be on top of my game, but my mental attachment to that will be by far less. My value and the quality of my life will be based on much deeper issues than how well I perform. 4. I don't want to wait until I retire to live my dreams. Everyday should be a part of that dream. I want to find beautiful moment in everyday to enjoy. Whether it is having dinner with my family, sitting on an overlook and taking 5 minutes on my drive to work to thank God for the beautiful view He made to brighten my day, or just sitting on my deck and relaxing, I will focus on the good, and not get consumed with my schedule. It is amazing the peace that you can gain in a 5 minute break. 5. I will work towards us achieving our goals earlier instead of later. Ok so maybe we will get a smaller home and move to Beaufort, NC instead of Buxton, NC. But in Beaufort I am pretty sure we will find better jobs, and housing is definitely cheaper. I will still be coastal and a whole 15 minutes from my beloved ocean. It may not be my original dream, but my real dream is a slower paced life, where I have time to LIVE, not just work and strive. It isn't about the money, but about the ability to survive, and survive happily. 6. I want to make sure that I am a support and blessing to others. I want to smile and encourage people more. I want to bring help and happiness to others. I want the opportunity to share my faith and my peace with others. And this follows every other change I am seeking, because if my life doesn't show peace and happiness, why would anyone want anything else I have to offer? Everyday is a gift, and we never know which one will be our last. I want to love everyday, learn something new (whether from good or bad experiences), love passionately, and live freely. This is my new goal. My new outlook. May God keep my feet on this path, and provide me the wisdom needed to seek His way above my own.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Where is God? I found Him in my car!!!!

I think sometimes the older we get, the simpler we need life to be. Not that it gets any simpler, mind you. In fact, everyday it feels like someone is turning up the speed and the difficulty level. I often feel like Pac Man, endlessly eating a little line of dots......... faster........faster......faster.............. Trying to reach the goal, complete the job, and still have time to breathe. I am fortunate that I spend so much time on the road, because my car serves as my sanctuary and my quiet time. I often reflect on my fast paced life, my mountains of responsibility, and my faith. I find that God is often more present in my chaos than in peace. I am one of these who have spent many years in my past life chasing after God. I always felt we had to push, try "run the race" to keep up with and stay in His glorious presence. Funny thing is, as I get older I am finding Him in my rat race. I am finding Him beside me at work, whispering in my ear to tone down my thoughts and find His, I am finding Him in my car, enjoying not only my worship music (because realistically my car has become my church) , but also enjoying my country music and feeling happy that I am happy with my awesome husband and amazing family He has given me. I am finding Him everywhere! I guess for me I have found the kind of God who is truly active in every aspect of our lives. It isn't a Sunday experience. It is no longer about wishing Sunday morning or Wednesday night would get here so I can get my God fix. It has become about living a life of finding God in every moment. About allowing God to reveal himself in the good and especially in the bad. About asking God every morning as we are having our morning chat, listening to my radio, not only to reveal himself to me, but through me. My husband has always called God "the big man" and says that to him God does not sit on a throne, but on a bar stool. This is the type of God I am coming to know. He is more than a high and lofty "soon coming KING". He is more than an unattainable "Almighty". While He is most definitely all these things and more, he is also the still quiet voice that helps me through the little daily dramas that never seem to stop. I seem to recognize Him the smile of a stranger, in the sun shining through the clouds, in the leaves falling on my windshield, in the voice of a client who is kind after the last 5 who cussed me out, and as that quiet presence that keeps me sane when my world is spinning way too fast. I am finding myself talking to Him like I talk to my husband. And I am now finding myself taking time to notice he is answering. Not always with the YES I am looking for, but ALWAYS with the answer I need. He is making me aware that the struggles aren't a trial to pray away, but an opportunity for growth and change. That all the mistakes I want to beat myself up for are not only forgiven, but have been used to bring about a greater good in the long run. I am finding God is wanting to be present with us and not just a lofty ideal. Want to know where God is? Look around. He is right there beside you wanting to be an active part of your life. Feel like you aren't worthy or in a place where He is not welcome? Know this, none of us are worthy, but He loves us just like we are. Whether your life is where you think God will fit into it or not, He is completely aware of everything you have going on, even the things you try so desperately to hide from others. Nothing is hidden from Him. Not your pain, your mistakes, your failures, or your triumphs. And guess what....... He loves you anyway!!! Want to know where God is? Look beside you. He's always been there, and always will be. Let Him in! It really is that simple. And know in the long run, it isn't about you having to change. His love does that for us. He just wants to be with us. Period.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

"Trashy People"

I read a post today on my Facebook newsfeed, that was really convicting to me. A girl on my friends list was talking about all of the trashy people at the Salem fair. You guys know the people she was talking about. The ones who pick up welfare checks on the first and are broke by the fifth. The ones who sell their foodstamps for drug money, have their hair and nails done while their kids are looking scraggly. The ones who will cuss you out for looking their way. The ones who cuss me out at work on a daily basis.The ones most of us hardworking Americans do our best to just avoid. But these "trashy people" are also the ones I find God asking me to pray for alot more often. These are the ones I am asking God, begging God, screaming to God, to let me see through His eyes everyday. These are the people whose stories we do not know. Whose pain we have not felt and whose burdens we have not carried. These are the people God loves and who Jesus would be fellowshiping with if he were here in the flesh. Now let me pause for a moment to say I am not writing this condescendingly. I have struggled with both sides of this issue. I am not going to lie or be self-righteous here. When I go into a grocery store at the beginning of any given month and see a young woman cussing her kids, talking on her cell phone, going through line with a cart full of food I can't even afford to buy after busting my tail all week, pulling out her EBT card and splashing attitude all over the place,I struggle with the same negative thoughts and feelings as the rest of you. I struggle hard. I have made some of the same comments I saw online today, and felt the same disgust that was so obvious in my friend`s post. But seeing it there in black and white helped me in a couple of ways. 1. I have really been praying diligently for God to help me love people more..... particularly the least of these. And I am finding that slowly, and painfully, God is answering my prayers. What I saw today made me disgusted not with those trashy people but with myself. Disgusted by the judgement I have held over people I don't even know. 2. I have had a real issue with religious people for some time now. No real surprise to people who read my blog, and reading that post today I thoght this is what I dislike about "Christians". And like a whisper in my ear, my next thought was "How are you any different" ? My God, you are right! I have been irritated by people for doing the same thing I have been, and still am guilty of. You know, the only thing that will ever make a differencein the life of these "trashy people"is love. And if those of us who have experienced the love of God can't show them kindness and respect, how do you think they will view God through us? They will view Him as judgmental, self-righteous, and ready to strike out against them We are supposed to be the bearers of God here on earth, and looking at others (and my own) thoughts and attitudes today, I think we might just be the "trashy people" and not them!

Thursday, May 29, 2014

The Fairy Tale Following the Nightmare

I can't write a post about the darkness of my past without following it with the brightness of my present life. I waas pretty much your typical little girl as a young child. I lived in Roanoke, Virginia and had a second story bedroom window that faced out toward the Catholic church near downtown. This is a beautiful church and when it was all lit up at night it looked just like the Disney castle. For a short period of time I actually thought it was the Disney Castle and wondered why we never went there. Anyway, the relevance of this to my story, is that even as a very young girl I always thought about the day I would meet my Prince Charming and live happily ever after. I always thought being a wife and mother would be the greatest job in the world and spent many hours cooking up wonderful meals at my metal kitchen set for my baby doll in preparation for that coming day. As my prior post so blatantly points out, this dream of mine didn't come to life in the way I was hoping. I didn't fall in love and live happily ever after. The first time I truly fell in love was on May 17, 1990 when the doctor laid a precious little baby boy in my arms. Then again on November 9, 1992 when his beautiful sister was born. Then on October 25, 1994 God gave me another amazing son to bring joy to a difficult life. On December 24, 1996 another precious daughter was given to me. Then December 2, 1998 I had another beautiful boy, followed on January 30, 2001 by my final little bundle of joy (another son). I would have another daughter brought into my life years later.... and I will get to that later on. So this is the beginning of my fairy tale. I truly fell in love each time a child was born. I know most all mothers feel this way. There is an unspeakable bond between a mother and child, that you just can't put into words. There is something about that life growing inside, and then caring and providing for that innocent baby that makes a Mom want to move mountains for her children. Nothing in my life made me feel more fufilled than taking care of my kids. Being a Mom to such an amazing group of kids has always been and will forever be the beginning of my fairy tale. And as they get older those feelings have only grown stronger. My kids and I have been through hell and back.We have failed one another (me more than them), forgiven one another, We have walked through joy and saddness together. I know my children will always be there for me, and they know we will always be there for them. My children did not have an easy life. I will not go into detail on this, as it is their story to tell, not mine. But for those of you who read my blog, you know they faced many obstacles early on. I am so amazed by their strength and their spirit. How all of my children have grown out of adversity, and I couldn't be prouder of them all! As they are becoming adults and starting families of their own my joy becomes even greater. Now I not only have amazing children to love, but four beautiful grandchildren! Now what fairy tale would be complete without its prince? I was great in the kid department! I had some beautiful, wonderful children, but I wasn't quite as fortunate when it came to tracking down a prince! I stumbled across a few toads along the way, but all the kisses in the world didn't free them from their curse. When my children were young, there were two prayers I distinctly remember praying on a daily basis. 1. Was that God would let my mini-van blow up with me and all the kids in it, beacause I just didn't feel I could keep going on. Or option 2. That God would please send someone who would love and appreciate us into our lives. I am so glad God chose option 2! I never found my Prince, he found me! He found me when I wasn't exactly the best woman I could be. I was starting to grow out of some of the false thinking, but my life wasn't exactly pristine either. He pursued me and he treated me with a care and respect I never thought truly existed. He was a good friend early on (and my very best friend now). When I look at him, I see every quality I ever wanted in a man, and then some. Early in our relationship I always tried to make him understand that I was not good enough for him. He never saw me that way. Even when so many people tried to tell him he was making a mistake, he followed his heart! I am so grateful for that. I never dreamed marriage could be so wonderful. But the very best thing about my Prince, is that his love wasn't just for me. He loves our children with all of his heart and I know he would do anything for them. He adopted 4 of them. And that in itself is a legal formality. We have children together and all 7 are truly ours. Before Jake came along my kids were MINE. I never felt the "ours" aspect of having children with someone else in this way. The kids couldn't belong to him anymore than they do now even if he planted the seeds himself! I never thought we would experience having such a complete and happy family. So there is my fairy tale. A wonderful group of children (and grandchildren). An amazing Prince! All the love and support I never dreamed possible. I couldn't ask for anything more!

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Escaping the Nightmares

It is not as often as it used to be, but every now and then I will awaken from a dream that makes me want to not close my eyes anymore that night. These dreams are always the same, and always of my past. They seem almost more horrific to me now, than the reality did when I was living through it. Now some would say that since these dreams still haunt me maybe I have not been healed from my past, or maybe I have not been set free. I do not believe either of these lines of thought to be true! I can honestly say I am sometimes grateful for the nightmare. My life has come full circle and only the nightmare brings back the depth of pain, hopelessness, fear, and sorrow my life consisted of. I believe that memory only makes me more grateful for what I have now, and more willing to share the darker side of my story so someone elses who is hurting knows they too can make it and there is hope! Also I find writing to be therapeutic. It takes away the sting from the portion of my life I just revisited, and gives purpose to the pain. Like all of my nightmares, once again I find myself in the midst of a fight with my ex. He is drunk and hateful, and I am afraid and broken. I am always trying to find a way to hide my children from the reality of their circumstances. They are the only light in my life and my real concern is that they do not fully feel the pain in which we live. But this story starts way before the incidents taking place in my dreams. It starts when I was a young teenager. It starts when my father leaves and my mom becomes broken and alone. It starts when I was an awkward teen who fit in absolutely no where. It was these feelings of being unloved and unacceptable that I embraced in my early years that put me on a crash course with disaster! It was the feelings that maybe it was my fault my parent‘s marriage failed, maybe my father didn‘t love me because I really wasn't good enough, and maybe the kids at school didn't like me because I really was a skinny, ugly freak. Early on I learned to view myself as the exact opposite of who God created me to be. Just like so many others I bought into these lies and they had a devastating effect on my future. At the age of sixteen I was already pretty broken mentally. I only wanted to feel accepted and loved. I soon became involved in the wrong relationship, with someone I would spend the next 15 years of my life with. He was from a very hard life. He had a history of being abused and in and out of foster homes. At that stage of her life and for many years prior, his mom was both an alcoholic and drug abuser. And as it is in most families, he was already starting to follow in his mothers footsteps. I remember the first time I visited in their home being shocked by the living conditions. They had so very little, his mon was drunk and she had transients in and out all of the time. We ate food someone had gotten out of the dumpster from a local fast food chain. Even though his mother was pretty wasted she must have been rather wise and insightful. I remember her sitting me down once and asking me if I loved her son or if I felt sorry for him. I didn't know how to answer so I said "both". Years later I realize how smart she was to ask me that question. Now do not get me wrong. I loved my children's biological father. But now I realize it was not the type of love on which you build a marriage. That was something I would not experience for many years. It was something I was incapable of experiencing until I was able to change some of my ways of thinking. At this stage of life and after walking through so much rejection and pain over the years, I have come to realize that escaping the nightmare wasn't just about changing the circumstances in which I lived, but changing my way of thinking.I had to come to a point in my life where I saw myself as who I was created to be and not who I had become. It was easy to listen to the lies all of those years that I was unlovable, that I was worthless. I went from a bad relationship with my father, to an abusive marriage, to a life that fell into such a desolate place that not many who end there are able to come back from it. Still to this day, there are times I struggle with feelings of inferiority. There are moments when my failures as a mother come back to haunt me. There are days I wake up and wonder why my husband and children love me and what they could possibly find good in me. But , fortunately I can also say that those days are fewer than they used to be. As I have come to find value in myself, I expect more for me and my family than ever before in my life. I have come to recognize who God has made me to be. And that person is not unlovable and worthless. That person has a lot of love to share, and alot of herself to give to others. Now my next battle is learning to trust others.