Over the last several weeks I have been contemplating the arrival of a new year. So much has happened over these last few years, and my family has definatley experienced it's share of ups and downs. It seems I have come the point where most everything stresses me out and I am confused about what we are supposed to be doing with our lives. It seems we are kind of stuck in a holding pattern, and waiting on a clear course of action to present itself. My husband isn't in the best work evironment. He has to deal with some stresses and issues that are unfair and harsh. I have a work environment that flows both ways. While I enjoy my job most of the time, I find my line of work really makes me struggle with my ability to be a softer person. It kind of makes me hard. I have had a few disappointments and issues that have really angered and upset me in the past several months. We have not put down any roots where we are living. We have made no real friends, and cannot seem to find any place where we really fit in. We want to offer more to the world than what we are doing here. We feel like we have more purpose. Now don't get me wrong, my husband and I both do all we can to help others. I pray everyday before I leave my house that God will give me an opportunity to do something for someone else. But how amazing it would be for this mentality to become our way of life. We both belive we are meant for more.
While thinking about the upcoming New Year, I have been round and round with all the things I would like to accomplish. We have the ever famous get into shape, spend more quality time with my family, think before I open my mouth, pray before I open my mouth (and all of you who know me well are either laughing or saying AMEN at this point). But what I really want is to stop depending on myself. I think the reason I am so stressed and get upset so easily is because I expect to do everything right, and to fix all my problems. I put too much trust in my own abilities. I really want to start concentrating on the right things again, and all these petty surroundings may be taking my eyes off a higher goal. Now don't get me wrong here, I still do not believe God just comes in and orchastrates every move we make. We have common sense, free will, motivation, and the desire to create. God gave us all these for a purpose. But what I am finding is this. God allows us to be in a particular place for a particual purpose. All the irritations and discoragments are only taking our eyes off of what we may be there to accomplish. We were never promised a perfect life. It is the hard times, the discouragements, the injustices we experience, and the failures that truly teach us and cause us to grow. My real resolution for this New Year is to learn to walk in love and humility and depend on the One from whom I can draw real strength and direction. I am learning not only to trust but to really love Him again, and this year I want that to grow on a daily basis. Now let me clarify this again. This in no way, shape or form means I have any desire to dive back into religion. In fact this is quite the opposite. I do not want to be known as a Christian or a member of a specific denomoniation or religious establishment. I want to be known as someone who shows a love and peace that is uncommon in today's society. I want to keep my mouth shut and my heart open. I want to depend on God's grace to get me through my day and not my own strength. I want to make choices that I want to see my children follow after. I want to bring honor to my husband by being the wife he deserves. I want people to know I am different and I don't want it to have a thing to do with what I say, but because of how I live. I feel a change coming to our home. I have for a while. But I feel that change is starting inside. I think there are some changes I need to make internally before God completes any changes for us externally. I am wanting to learn to let go of the things that don't really matter, and hold on with all my strength to the ones that do.
Like everyone else I have no clue what 2013 will hold. But my prayer and my desire for the year that follows is that while I will try to be physically healthy, that I work on keeping my spirit just as strong and healthy. While I want to have happy peaceful life, that I will bring joy and peace to those around me. Do I want to move, and get new jobs, and make friends, and find a church we can feel a part of, and feel like we are contributing to the lives of other? Of course I do, but I am not going to stress over it. I am going to keep walking this path He has put us on and trust that all those doors will open when we are ready for them to. And until then I will be thankful for all we have. Jobs that actually pay us (and not too shabbily), a nice home in a safe neighborhood, and pretty good schools for our kids. We have a great family. I love my kids so much! We think our kids are the greatest (even when they may not be). My husband is so good to all of us. And I know how fortunate we are to have a home that is peaceful. There isn't a bunch of fighting and arguing like so many people experience. I have so many things to be thankful for. So as this year closes, I will count my blessing, realize that the troubles we have experienced are helping us grow, and keep my thoughts and energies focused on more than this day to day life!
