appologies

You know I have definately spent sometime, both on my notes and exspecially in my blog talking about my irritation with religious people. Well, I owe you guys an appology. I have now come to realize that not only those who hide behind God suck, but most of the world does. For a while I have been so dissolusioned with the religious community overall and thought I found more honesty and the ability to be real in the general public, but each sects definatley have their own issues. Most of the Christians (and I emphasis most...not ALL) have put up a front and portrayed something they are not. And let me tell you I have seen it all! Friends that turn their backs on you the moment you fall, people who want to use your mistakes as a distraction from and excuse for the sin in their own lives, and people that are so plastic you wonder if they wont melt in the noonday sun! My overall irritation wtih this is I just want to be real. But no one is anymore. I have already voiced my concerns with the church, but the problems outside are just as big. People act like they are your friends, but stab you in the back the first time you disagree. Companies dont want people who do their jobs, but puppets who know how to suck up and play the game. I feel like I am in kindergarten and no one wants to learn anything. I am sick of two faced, backbiting people. Aren't there any people out there who have the courage and confidence to address an issue they may have, instead of having to retaliate or run to someone else to fix their issues for them? Where does all this stem from? Let me see, the religious issues I have beat to death already so I wont go there. If you need a refresher course on it, go read my blog at blogspot.com titled "The other side". As for the general public let me elaborate. Everyday I hear the anger and hatred from people who don't even know me. I listen to the problems of my employees and family, and they all seem to stem from the selfishness and lack of consideration caused by other people. I make buisness decisions that people want to make personal. I get lies spewed to others about my conduct.... and let me tell you something if you dont' know me. If I fuck something up I will be the first to tell you about it! (For my family, pardon my language! ) I have my children affected by the vengance others want to seek. I look at the world around me and everyone is out for number one! People in stores ignore other people, try to run over you in the parking lot. I went grocery shopping last night and 3 kids about 10 years old and younger are in the parking lot playing in carts and cussing more than I cuss in a month! People everywhere seem to have lost their minds. And they all play games. We have looked into the personal lives of numerous acquantances and most all of them try to present themselves, and their lifestyles as something other than what they are. Don't misunderstand me, I lived in hell in the past, and though I tried to let my kids think our lives were better than they were, my friends and acquantaces knew I lived in hell, knew my husband was on drugs, knew we couldn't keep up with the Joneses, and though I tried to play the religious role, when I decided to sin I definately made it known! I am so grateful to have found my husband and the family I have married into. They are hardworking, honest people and not alot of those exist. My husband and I have reached the point that we are afraid to make friends anymore, and I find this to be a sad lonely place. If there are many other people out there that believe in honesty and concern for others, I wonder if they hold the same fears we do. I just want to stick to my family and the few we have found who are tried and true! I am grateful for the good people in my life, but I am definately saddened by the overall condition of mankind. I know we all struggle with these issues, and I know we all have bought harm to someone else. I know everyone has spoken words that hurt, but how many follow them with words to heal? I want the bitterness and dissillusions I have encountered to help make me a better person. I want to try to show kindness to those who are hurting, but another side of me wants to crush those who cause the pain. I was once told by a wise friend that your thirties are your hardest years, and while I definately agree they are the most turbulant, the hardest thing here lately has been fourty and coming to grips with the reality around me. I know how these games are played... the plastic smiles... the positive friendly talk (followed by hateful words behind thier backs)... and the you scratch my back I'll scratch yours mentality. While I often feel that if I could only become a master player my life would be so much more simple, the person inside me is kicking and screaming in revolt. I struggle that we don't fit into the world, but I thank God for it. So we have now found we don't fit in the church or in the world! Is there anyone else out there who feels this way?

The world I want to live in...........

I've thought a lot today about how I wish we were living in another time. But the more I think about it the more I question the theory of things being better in days gone by. You look at movies and read books about the past and people seem to care for one another. They work hard and take care of their families. They are honest and dependable. And even though there is always a bad guy, a Nellie Olsen, or a loose woman, the majority of people are living a sound, moral life and showing love and concern for those around them. I wonder if things were really this simple and good. If so, take me back!!! I think my husband and I were born way past our time! I want to live in a world where everyone knows it requires hard work to survive. I want to live in a world where welfare doesn't come from a government office, but it the helping hand of neighbor to a man who is truly unable to work. I want to live in a world where the most important thing is your relationship with God and your family. Where people realize their priorities and that family should come first! That all the hard work and labor are rewarded by a roof over your head, clothes on your backs, food in your belly, and a family that has all of their needs met. I want to live in a world where children are loved and protected, but not spoiled and made lazy. I want to see a world where children are taught to work and care for themselves and to care for others. The selfishness and inbred greed I see in people today only seems to get worse and worse. What happened to people who think about others instead of themselves? Where have all the honest people gone? I want to go back to a time where men and women knew their places and the roles they should fill. I want to live in a world where men are able to be protectors and providers and women are able to be the ones who nurture and care for a family. Why have men lost the ability to lead, and women lost the ability to be led. Oh I know that statement alone will cause a ton of my readers to object. I understand that many MANY men do not show the love and compassion necessary to be a leader, and I would NEVER suggest a woman follow a man who is not worthy. But if people were like they used to be, men would be raised knowing how to properly love and lead their families. Women would be raised to know how to properly love and care for their men and children. If everyone thought about another higher than themselves this world would be so much more peaceful! So if anyone ever invents a time machine, please sign my family up to be the first ones to try it out. Send me to time when work is harder, but life is sweeter. To a time where people care for one another more than for themselves. And if this time doesn't really exist and people were always the same petty, spiteful, selfish lot we see today, don't tell me! Let me dream foolishly of something that may only exist when we move onto the next life and have learned what we need to know here to make us better people!