appologies

You know I have definately spent sometime, both on my notes and exspecially in my blog talking about my irritation with religious people. Well, I owe you guys an appology. I have now come to realize that not only those who hide behind God suck, but most of the world does. For a while I have been so dissolusioned with the religious community overall and thought I found more honesty and the ability to be real in the general public, but each sects definatley have their own issues. Most of the Christians (and I emphasis most...not ALL) have put up a front and portrayed something they are not. And let me tell you I have seen it all! Friends that turn their backs on you the moment you fall, people who want to use your mistakes as a distraction from and excuse for the sin in their own lives, and people that are so plastic you wonder if they wont melt in the noonday sun! My overall irritation wtih this is I just want to be real. But no one is anymore. I have already voiced my concerns with the church, but the problems outside are just as big. People act like they are your friends, but stab you in the back the first time you disagree. Companies dont want people who do their jobs, but puppets who know how to suck up and play the game. I feel like I am in kindergarten and no one wants to learn anything. I am sick of two faced, backbiting people. Aren't there any people out there who have the courage and confidence to address an issue they may have, instead of having to retaliate or run to someone else to fix their issues for them? Where does all this stem from? Let me see, the religious issues I have beat to death already so I wont go there. If you need a refresher course on it, go read my blog at blogspot.com titled "The other side". As for the general public let me elaborate. Everyday I hear the anger and hatred from people who don't even know me. I listen to the problems of my employees and family, and they all seem to stem from the selfishness and lack of consideration caused by other people. I make buisness decisions that people want to make personal. I get lies spewed to others about my conduct.... and let me tell you something if you dont' know me. If I fuck something up I will be the first to tell you about it! (For my family, pardon my language! ) I have my children affected by the vengance others want to seek. I look at the world around me and everyone is out for number one! People in stores ignore other people, try to run over you in the parking lot. I went grocery shopping last night and 3 kids about 10 years old and younger are in the parking lot playing in carts and cussing more than I cuss in a month! People everywhere seem to have lost their minds. And they all play games. We have looked into the personal lives of numerous acquantances and most all of them try to present themselves, and their lifestyles as something other than what they are. Don't misunderstand me, I lived in hell in the past, and though I tried to let my kids think our lives were better than they were, my friends and acquantaces knew I lived in hell, knew my husband was on drugs, knew we couldn't keep up with the Joneses, and though I tried to play the religious role, when I decided to sin I definately made it known! I am so grateful to have found my husband and the family I have married into. They are hardworking, honest people and not alot of those exist. My husband and I have reached the point that we are afraid to make friends anymore, and I find this to be a sad lonely place. If there are many other people out there that believe in honesty and concern for others, I wonder if they hold the same fears we do. I just want to stick to my family and the few we have found who are tried and true! I am grateful for the good people in my life, but I am definately saddened by the overall condition of mankind. I know we all struggle with these issues, and I know we all have bought harm to someone else. I know everyone has spoken words that hurt, but how many follow them with words to heal? I want the bitterness and dissillusions I have encountered to help make me a better person. I want to try to show kindness to those who are hurting, but another side of me wants to crush those who cause the pain. I was once told by a wise friend that your thirties are your hardest years, and while I definately agree they are the most turbulant, the hardest thing here lately has been fourty and coming to grips with the reality around me. I know how these games are played... the plastic smiles... the positive friendly talk (followed by hateful words behind thier backs)... and the you scratch my back I'll scratch yours mentality. While I often feel that if I could only become a master player my life would be so much more simple, the person inside me is kicking and screaming in revolt. I struggle that we don't fit into the world, but I thank God for it. So we have now found we don't fit in the church or in the world! Is there anyone else out there who feels this way?