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Saturday, June 23, 2018

Changes


I had nightmares again last night. You know the kind? Deep and real. Where it takes several minutes upon waking to realize it was only a dream. I sleep very poorly to begin with. I wake up every couple of hours. Every time I awoke, I seriously questioned whether or not I wanted to go back to sleep because I was afraid I would re-enter the dream again. And damn if I didn't. I ended up staying in this bed until 8AM, and I am glad this night is over. Now to shake the darkness. Nightmares are not unusual for me. Though they usually revolve around my childhood, my first marriage, or my children being young and my constant fear that I am going to loose them or not be able to care for them. I am used to those dreams, and though they are haunting, I awake knowing I have already lived through and survived those difficult situation. My children are all ok, and we made it through! We not only made it, we came out better than most who have walked our paths. So those dreams are a bit easier to shake. Last night my nightmares all involved my present and my future. I know these dreams were precipitated by an in depth conversation I had with my husband last night. I hate bringing negative energy into our lives, but sometimes, it is better to discuss things head on, no matter how uncomfortable, than to carry them around and let them fester. I seem to be at a strange stage in my life. My children are nearly all gone, I am pushing 50, but I am feeling more like I am starting anew. I have been working hard on my health, my weight, my definition of what I believe (and what I do not believe), and as I have (and will always try to do), I have continued to try to be the best at everything I attempt. I feel like I am taking some time to redefine myself. To really look inside and see who I am and who I want to be. I have really been enjoying my work for the first time in forever. The last month has been amazing. And though that is inaccurately attributed to the return of our former CEO, the first reason is because I am useful, and busy, and challenged once again. Not to say that the CEO's return has not given me hope for some returned morale and hopefully some more direction and knowledge when it comes to what changes are going on and what to expect, but one man can only make so much change, and I realize that amount of change is NOT going to happen overnight. The first change comes in me. I hope two weeks from now, I am able to hold onto my work motivation. But once again we will see. My husband sees my drive, and sometimes I think it bothers him. He calls me corporate and that really bothers me. I feel like it is an insult for some reason. We discussed my drive and my reasons for it last night. I am truly not a very materialistic person. For me, the desire to succeed and make it further in my life is not about money. Now, don't get me wrong, money is nice and I am sick and tired of having debt hang over our heads. I still have hospital bills I am working slowly on. It sucks. But I don't wan to succeed to raise my financial status. I want to live comfortably and without debt. I never want to have too much money because I have seen too many people let that change them, and remove their focus from others and end up solely on themselves. I never want this to be me. But I want my work to be recognized. I want to stand out from my peers. I want to look back and say, I came from homelessness to this. So maybe instead of materialistic, I am prideful. Three years ago I would have said this was wrong. I shouldn't feel this way. But as I have spent time on this path of self discovery, I no longer feel that. It may be a form of pride, but not all pride is wrong. I want to be able to be proud of my accomplishments. I think it is ok that I am super competitive. I have been that way since I first entered school. Being competitive ensured I made it through school with some teenage years that would have kept most people from ever graduating. Being competitive kept me involved in a cultish dance group that no matter how badly it ended, gave me a focus for my drive that kept me sane during a marriage that nearly ruined me. And let's be really REAL here for a moment. Being competitive even helped in starting my relationship with my husband. I was created this way, and I don't think it is bad. It could be used badly, but everything can. I do not feel the need to apologize for it. I am going to embrace it and continue to use it to push me forward. I told my husband last night I don't care if I end up working at Food Lion in Avon one day. I am going to be the best damn bagger they have ever had. I want to give 110% to whatever I am focused on at that stage of life. We have a shared dream for our future. We both want more than anything to move to Buxton or the surrounding area. We both seem to have a different idea of how this should happen. I think he is more than ready to sell the house, cash in our chips, and just go. Win or loose, take a chance. I get this to a degree. I really do. I am not getting any younger here, and I want to get there before I am too old to enjoy it. He tells me I need to read Steve Job's book and how he hated what his life was. I get that too. I already know from my illness several years back all of the regrets I faced when I had those times of not being sure my body was going to heal. But I am afraid. Not just afraid, but terrified. I have been poor. I have had to not pay bills to buy food. I have had to beg and borrow to keep on my lights or get heat. I have lived on the street and had to wash my hair in gasoline to get the lice out. I have ate out of dumpsters. I don't want to fail. I think maybe my husband thinks I don't trust his ability to provide for us and that could not be further from the truth. No matter what we need, he always finds a way to make it happen. But here we have connections and opportunities we will not have there. Sometimes it takes more than ability, it takes opportunity and I see the lack of it in that area. I want to focus on paying off our debt and then buy a second home. I am thinking once summer ends I am going to pick up a weekend job waitressing or cleaning (whatever I can find) and see if I can be more helpful in getting us ahead. I don't want him to think I don't share this dream, because I want it more than I want just about anything. I just want some security going in. I feel like I am holding him back. I told him if he can figure out how to do his way, he can work from his end and I will work from mine. That went over the wrong direction. Jake is the best thing that ever came into my life. Other than my children and my nanny, he is the first person I have ever felt has loved me unconditionally, and I worship him for that. He is the type of person I want to be. He is the most honest, fair, compassionate person I know. He puts others before himself to his own detriment at times. I admire that so much. There are very few people with those qualities anymore. I want to be more like that myself. I think in the scuffle of life he forgets how much I value him. He feels like I put other things before him. I feel like every part of my life that I make better, that I work hard in, benefits us both. If I am better, WE are better. Sometimes I feel like we are both looking at a mountain from a different side. His is lush and green, and mine is a rock wall needing to be climbed. We are feeling like we might be on two different pages, but we both really just have a different approach to the same pinnacle. And finally, let me not leave this topic of my nightmare without discussing some of the most important introspection I have been dealing with in the last few months. God and where I stand on my belief system. I guess it is time to come out of the closet on this as well. My beliefs have really been evolving here lately. I no longer feel tied to a ridged belief system. I feel that God is so much bigger than I ever gave him/her credit for. And I say the him/her part because I feel he is neither male nor female, he is bigger than being defined by a sexuality (as we should be as well). I believe the true God is evident in more than one religious belief. In fact I thing religion in necessary for our shallow way of thinking, and like a guide for humankind wherever they may live, and whatever culture they may have been born into. I think there are some things all religions have right, and some things all religions have wrong. I think the things that we share that are based on love, on putting others before ourselves, on causing no harm, on living a clean and beautiful life are the things that put us in sync with God. I think all of the judgement, and having to impose our beliefs, and our preferences on others are the things that pull us away from God. Coming to believe this whole heartedly has radically transformed my spiritual state. And now that I have truly allowed myself to accept that this is what I believe deep inside, I feel I am making some very positive strides in my spirituality. Now I know this confession is like stepping out of my old skin. And it feels good. May I never be a judgmental, conservative Christian again. You need to find your way with God, I need to find mine. We need to be able to love each other and learn from our differences. Even learn to appreciate our differences. I want to just live conscious of each moment. Of how I can bring a moment of love or acceptance to someone else, and how I can connect with the rest of God's world. Well, I guess this is far too much confession for one day. My husband and the gym are waiting.

2 comments:

  1. Once again, you have inspired me. But let me just say, never put off til tomorrow what you can do today. Tomorrow may never come. And you would destroy yourself with regret. ❤����‍♀️��‍♂️��

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  2. It is about the ability to do for me. Trust me, if a window opens I will fly through it. I am just not ready to have to break out the glass.

    ReplyDelete