Here we are once again at the closing of another year. All my life I have heard that the older you get, the quicker time passes. I have found that truer words may have never been spoken. While this year was not a total loss, I must admit I am not sad to see it go. I have had a difficult year. A rather dark and depressing year when you think about it. So I must say it is with a sigh of relief that I see an end in sight. But the end I am speaking of is not necessarily 2017, and the changes won't start for me on January 1st. In all honesty the changes began right before Christmas. Well, the positive changes began before Christmas. The negative changes seemed to have accelerated near the end of 2016. Over the course of this last year I have lost my focus, my joy, my drive. I seemed to get sucked into a pattern of thinking that led me down a path that chased after my wants, my needs, my dreams, and further away from who I was created to be, and the things that are truly important. This pattern of thinking led me out of the deep and into shallow muddy waters. It led me so far away from who I am. It led me so far away from my God. But thankfully, that slow crawl backwards, is becoming an unsteady walk forward. And I feel it get steadier each passing day. Even here, in sharing this story, I feel I am making more forward strides.
You see, the things that pull us away from who we are meant to be don't come to us as ravenous wolves, but truly as wolves in sheep's clothing. They aren't some huge sin, or a massively destructive choice that pulls us off of the path. Sin appears as a tiny yellow flower just barely touching the path we are meant to take. So small. so innocent, so beautiful. Nothing more than a tiny joy outside of the mundane existence of walking down a path that is hot, dusty, and desolate (to our tired and weary minds). And that beautiful flower (or simple thought) is something that once picked up joins itself to our soul. It becomes a ravenous weed that grows roots deep inside our spirit and changes who we are, how we think, how we behave, until what was becomes foreign, and we no longer seem to even govern our own steps. Everyone dwells on sin, and I believe we sin everyday, but true sin is a change of heart or a change of thinking that draws us away from God. It is not so much in the acts we commit, but in a heart and a mindset that allows us to commit those acts, and to excuse them. It is any choice we make that puts our love of ourselves above our love for God, and our love for others. As I have started this journey forward I have found my conscience to be much more intact. The other day I sent an email. An irritated, why do I have to deal with this stupidity, lightly veiled email full of frustration and mild contempt. And I felt so stinking guilty for it! Even when my husband said he feels the exact same way rather often, I still felt bad. I still feel bad. And I am so grateful for that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. A few months ago I would have excused my behavior because the person on the other end asked for it. This person's lack of understanding and lack of work ethic warranted my reply. But that is not true. I am no better of a person, and I should love and respond as God would. That is my new goal. Every morning when I rise, and how I weigh my actions of the day before I close my eyes at night will all be based on did I put others before myself. Did I love God with ALL of my heart, soul, and mind, or just parts of it. I want my life to center around the words of Jesus, when he said the two greatest commands are to love God with all your heart soul and mind, and to love your neighbor as yourself. Jesus said "on these two commandments, hang all the law, and the prophets." This I believe with all of my heart. If we can live within these bounds of love, everything else will line up. If I choose to do something purely for my own good, my own pleasure, my own success, with no thought of the consequences for those around me, I choose wrong. If I put myself above another I choose wrong. If I place my wants for my life above God's plans I choose wrong. I never thought that while living such a blessed and happy life, I could so easily step away from where I was meant to be, but it happened in the complacency. I no longer wish to be complacent, and I no longer want my achievements to be marked as steps forward or successes in my own life. I want my achievements to be the help I provide to others, the light that my life shows, the relationships I have built, and the truths that I have spoken. I want to return to the simple things that shifted out of focus under the weights that I chose to carry. I want everyday to put God and my family, friends, and even enemies before me.
So as I chose to walk forward please have patience with me. I am not claiming to be better than anyone. I have learned that is jut not true. We are all the same. We all deal with anger, jealousy, desire, contempt. We all have moments of feeling hurt and abused, and of feeling superior. We all have to choose every moment of everyday if we will serve ourselves or others, and if we will follow our shallow desires or follow God. I fell. I chose to follow a shallow mindset. Now I am laying it down and walking forward. I still have roots attached to my ankles, ever so often pulling me slightly backwards. Asking me if I really want to let go of that delicate yellow flower. Right now, I don't want to just let go, I want to set it on fire and offer it up on an alter to God. Offer up the experience of failure, offer up the knowledge that I am better than no one, offer up the ability to help someone else who is entwined in a poisonous way of thinking. And offer up a love I thought I had lost, that calls out to us even when we are too full of ourselves to see it still exists!
The week before Christmas God met me in my car in the Sam's Club parking lot, and as I laid my head on the steering wheel and cried in front of everyone walking past, I felt nothing more than love and acceptance. No condemnation, no fear. May I in all my imperfections offer the same to others that a perfect God was willing to offer a wretch like me!
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Killing the Flower
Here we are once again at the closing of another year. All my life I have heard that the older you get, the quicker time passes. I have found that truer words may have never been spoken. While this year was not a total loss, I must admit I am not sad to see it go. I have had a difficult year. A rather dark and depressing year when you think about it. So I must say it is with a sigh of relief that I see an end in sight. But the end I am speaking of is not necessarily 2017, and the changes won't start for me on January 1st. In all honesty the changes began right before Christmas. Well, the positive changes began before Christmas. The negative changes seemed to have accelerated near the end of 2016. Over the course of this last year I have lost my focus, my joy, my drive. I seemed to get sucked into a pattern of thinking that led me down a path that chased after my wants, my needs, my dreams, and further away from who I was created to be, and the things that are truly important. This pattern of thinking led me out of the deep and into shallow muddy waters. It led me so far away from who I am. It led me so far away from my God. But thankfully, that slow crawl backwards, is becoming an unsteady walk forward. And I feel it get steadier each passing day. Even here, in sharing this story, I feel I am making more forward strides.
You see, the things that pull us away from who we are meant to be don't come to us as ravenous wolves, but truly as wolves in sheep's clothing. They aren't some huge sin, or a massively destructive choice that pulls us off of the path. Sin appears as a tiny yellow flower just barely touching the path we are meant to take. So small. so innocent, so beautiful. Nothing more than a tiny joy outside of the mundane existence of walking down a path that is hot, dusty, and desolate (to our tired and weary minds). And that beautiful flower (or simple thought) is something that once picked up joins itself to our soul. It becomes a ravenous weed that grows roots deep inside our spirit and changes who we are, how we think, how we behave, until what was becomes foreign, and we no longer seem to even govern our own steps. Everyone dwells on sin, and I believe we sin everyday, but true sin is a change of heart or a change of thinking that draws us away from God. It is not so much in the acts we commit, but in a heart and a mindset that allows us to commit those acts, and to excuse them. It is any choice we make that puts our love of ourselves above our love for God, and our love for others. As I have started this journey forward I have found my conscience to be much more intact. The other day I sent an email. An irritated, why do I have to deal with this stupidity, lightly veiled email full of frustration and mild contempt. And I felt so stinking guilty for it! Even when my husband said he feels the exact same way rather often, I still felt bad. I still feel bad. And I am so grateful for that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. A few months ago I would have excused my behavior because the person on the other end asked for it. This person's lack of understanding and lack of work ethic warranted my reply. But that is not true. I am no better of a person, and I should love and respond as God would. That is my new goal. Every morning when I rise, and how I weigh my actions of the day before I close my eyes at night will all be based on did I put others before myself. Did I love God with ALL of my heart, soul, and mind, or just parts of it. I want my life to center around the words of Jesus, when he said the two greatest commands are to love God with all your heart soul and mind, and to love your neighbor as yourself. Jesus said "on these two commandments, hang all the law, and the prophets." This I believe with all of my heart. If we can live within these bounds of love, everything else will line up. If I choose to do something purely for my own good, my own pleasure, my own success, with no thought of the consequences for those around me, I choose wrong. If I put myself above another I choose wrong. If I place my wants for my life above God's plans I choose wrong. I never thought that while living such a blessed and happy life, I could so easily step away from where I was meant to be, but it happened in the complacency. I no longer wish to be complacent, and I no longer want my achievements to be marked as steps forward or successes in my own life. I want my achievements to be the help I provide to others, the light that my life shows, the relationships I have built, and the truths that I have spoken. I want to return to the simple things that shifted out of focus under the weights that I chose to carry. I want everyday to put God and my family, friends, and even enemies before me.
So as I chose to walk forward please have patience with me. I am not claiming to be better than anyone. I have learned that is jut not true. We are all the same. We all deal with anger, jealousy, desire, contempt. We all have moments of feeling hurt and abused, and of feeling superior. We all have to choose every moment of everyday if we will serve ourselves or others, and if we will follow our shallow desires or follow God. I fell. I chose to follow a shallow mindset. Now I am laying it down and walking forward. I still have roots attached to my ankles, ever so often pulling me slightly backwards. Asking me if I really want to let go of that delicate yellow flower. Right now, I don't want to just let go, I want to set it on fire and offer it up on an alter to God. Offer up the experience of failure, offer up the knowledge that I am better than no one, offer up the ability to help someone else who is entwined in a poisonous way of thinking. And offer up a love I thought I had lost, that calls out to us even when we are too full of ourselves to see it still exists!
The week before Christmas God met me in my car in the Sam's Club parking lot, and as I laid my head on the steering wheel and cried in front of everyone walking past, I felt nothing more than love and acceptance. No condemnation, no fear. May I in all my imperfections offer the same to others that a perfect God was willing to offer a wretch like me!
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