I just came in from a beautiful walk. The clouds were low and gray. I love the smell of leaves and wood burning in the neighbor's fireplaces. The trees were so vibrant with all the oranges, reds, and golds with just enough green left to make me slightly mourn the passing of summer. Yet how can you mourn the loss of the green in comparison to the brillance of fall. The cool crisp air blowing across my face was exhilerating. And the music put my soul in harmony with the beauty around me. I went on my walk to get out of being frustrated and it seemed to really help. I always think best outside! I have been really irrated this weekend. It seems sometimes where the kids are concerned we can give, give, give and we can never do good enough by them. You know, I don't know a single adult who doesn't have some complaint about how they were raised. Whether good or bad, no one seems satisfied, and kids today aren't going to be any different than the rest of us. With everyone of my children I can pinpoint numerous things I have done wrong, but I can also name many I have done right. If there is one thing I can say with 100% assurance is I have loved them from the bottom of my heart and would place eveyone of them before me. I accept them in their shortcomings and failures as much as in thier acheivements and triumphs! Parenting is hard. I think it gets harder as it goes. The older they get the more difficult it can become. It is wonderful to see their successes, but when they waiver from the path they should be on, it is hard. When you see pain and dissolution creep in and you have no power to step in and protect them it is so difficult. When they make choices you do not agree with but cannot change it breaks your heart! I just want real closeness as a family. No secrets and putting each one ahead of ourselves. I get mad at myself when I feel I am not being appreceiated because I feel like even in that feeling I am being selfish. But I sure did enjoy my time to talk to God today. I am finding so much more peace in Him here lately. And even if it is a temporary reprieve from the daily frustrations, it is enough strength to move me through the day. I really want to give my children this knowledge of who God is and how He wants to be a constant abiding part of our lives, but I don't want them to think that means He is just going to fix everything and make our lives prosper and be easy going. I find I like sitting with Jesus in the dirt. Finding His peace in the real world. I want to pass things on to them that are really going to count. I am just hoping they are learning.