Why I believe most people have experienced (and are experiencing) abuse.

I have recently read a number of articles about women who have been survivors of abuse. Then the other morning while listening to the radio on my drive to work, the dj was taking callers talking about how they retaliated against their spouse or significant other. I could not believe these callers! One woman said she runs her husband's toothbrush around the inside rim of the toilet when she is mad at him. Then I started thinking about a lot of the people we are aquaintances with and how they treat one another and I realized abuse is not just a male on female problem anymore! I have definately been a survivor of an abusive relationship. I think what a lot of people fail to recognize when they think about this type of behavior (both given and recieved) is the effects are long term and pshcological for both the abuserer and the enabler. The real pain of abuse is not the bruises or physical scars, but the shattered heart, loss of self worth, and tearing down of one's soul. I am convinced that the vast majority of people today live in abusive relationships and don't even recognize it because our culture is becoming so "me" centered it has become the norm. How many people are insulted or belittled by their partner? How many are made to feel less that whole, or as if they just can't do good enough? How many are constantly nagged at and told what to do and who they should be by an inconsiderate significant other? And in my observations it seems women are becoming worse than men at being mentally and emotionaly abusive. It is a crying shame that we cannot treat those closest to our hearts with the love and respect they deserve! Men, that woman you have at home taking care of your children, cooking your meals, doing your laundry, running your errands, cleaning your house, and doing every other job you cannot find time to do needs to know how much she is loved and appreciated. What you may never realize is that the weight she carries on a day to day basis far surpasses the stresses of your 9-5. Help her. Do your share. Let her know what a great job she does and what she means to you! By God if you don't..... one day someone else will. Women, that man who loves you and does his best to provide and care for you, give him some space to be a man. Quit reminding him of all he hasnt accomplished and start thanking him and appreciating him for what he has. Quit trying to run his life and trust him to do the right thing. I realize most of us come from some broken relationship, some set of lies that have been given us, betrayal that has been laid upon us and abuse that has damaged who we are. But we have to allow the experiences we have had to make us stronger and wise. Don't lay the blame of the past on someone not guilty. Don't treat someone with mis-trust and dis-respect because it is a learned behavior from a past relationship. If you are currently in this type of relationship and you see no hope of change GET OUT!!! If you are unable to talk to your partner about these destructive traits the earlier you leave the less damage that will be done to you and your family. I stayed in my abusive realationship for years because I thought that was best for my children. I nearly ruined their lives and mine in the process. It took me years to find that I am worthy of love and I am a person I can feel good about. If you are staying for your children then you are only hurting them. They are learning behaviors they will carry into their future relationships, and whether you are the abuser or the abused you are equally as guilty for the effects on their lives. I was the abused and I hold myself more accountable than my ex for not giving my children a functional life years ago. Finally, do not be afraid to love again! There is someone out there who will love and appreciate you and build you up instead of tear you down. When you find that person who is your best friend, your advocate in every situation, and who cannot hurt you even when they are upset with you, you take that person for who they are and invest all you have into them. The key to a healthy happy relationship is two people who think about the other first. When that person comes along don't let your scars keep you from them. Let the pain of the past make you all the more grateful for the type of love you deserve!

TIME OUT

I am very fortunate that I have been given a "time out" this week. A time out from work and the normal stresses of life. My husband has rented us a beautiful home right on the sound. I have a kayak, a private wooded yard, and a hot tub. The best thing is I don't have to listen to the phone ring, client's cuss, employees bicker, or the bosses asking me to move mountains! I don't have to worry about where my bad debt is, how many emails I am going to get in the next hour telling me things I have known for the past 8 years, or figure out how I am going to work another auction and 3 more branches into my already busting schedule! I can instead be grateful that I am working a job with some flexibility and making the money we need to make ends meet and to afford to escape once or twice a year. But on the flip side, I have to wonder...... Is it worth the stress and fast pace for these things? Is there another path waiting for us to follow it? All the truly important things in our lives do not revolve around money. I have great kids! Sometimes they are rude and have some attitudes. Often they don't clean up their rooms or even behind themselves. But realistically these are the worst of our problems with them. They are great though. I have a great husband. He always puts us first and I never knew a realtionship could be so great. I can honestly say he completes me no matter how cheesy that may sound. We are growing in our spiritual relationships, as a family, a couple and individuals. I feel I know God better now than ever. And having this time to clear my mind I find that I feel better today than I have felt in months. The stress between my job and the job my husband works has litterally been eating me alive. I think that may be part of why I have been sick lately. So I have made a few decisions today. 1. I am glad my husband is finishing some advanced training and am praying his hard work lands him the job of his dreams! 2. I am going to start some training of my own. The college money didn't work out for me so I am going to hit some real estate courses first, and then some tax or accounting classes after that. I need to not think that just because I have started across the bridge labeled with a BIG 4-0 that I am too old to change directions! 3. I am going to learn SOMEHOW, SOMEWAY to manage my stress better. I put too much of myself into things that are neither noticed or appreciated by others. I am going to redirect some of that energy into making our lives better. 4. Life is too short to not appreciate and grasp every moment. I am going to live with a greater focus on the good. And find some way to make a bit of "down time" every day. Now if it seems like I am rambling AGAIN, it may just be the pina colada talking..... but more thant the pina colada I think it may be the inner me!

What is saving my life right now?

What's saving my life right now? What's saving my life right now? Saving my life from what you might think? I am in a stage of life where the saving is no longer from the big things, but from the constant ones. Saving my life from frustrations with my work environment. Saving my life from worries over my children who are all now (or quickly becoming) teenagers. Saving my life over concerns since my husband just recieved a pay cut at work. Saving my life (and the life of my neighbor's dog) who tore up our gardnen last night. Saving my life over my frustrations, doubts and fears? I actually have several things saving my life.... 1. My past saves my life. My past was excrutiting to say the least. I lived in so much pain and sorrow I litterally prayed God would take me and my children all at once in some accident. And I prayed this almost on a daily basis. Everytime I start to think things are rough, I go back and think on what God has bought me out of and things do not look so bleak anymore! 2. My family. I look at my husband and children and the loving and peaceful relationships we have and know that every ounce of energy I apply to the things in my life is not only for me, but mostly for them! That makes even the most difficult days look worthwhile. 3. My faith. My faith has evolved and grown into something deeply personal. Jesus has taken on a whole new identity to me outside of the church's picture of who He is. I know that He is truly with me in all the shortcomings and fits of anger I go through. He becomes more and more a source of strength for me as the days go past. Even when I am sitting in church and asking Him how He is coping with His misrepresentation? I guess this is short and to the point. But this is the glue that holds me together. Another great thing is the ability to share these blogs and thoughts and find I am not alone in how I feel or even who I am. I have found a host of others with similar thoughts, ideas, and beliefs which has given me a new connection I feel have lacked for a very long time. We need an attachment to others and that is the hardest thing to find. Exspecially for someone who chooses to think on their own, and follow their heart.

Faith

I have found here lately, that I have really been drawn back to living my life by faith. My faith. What I believe to be true, and what works for me. But here is the thing, it isn't like the faith I had in the past. You know that kind of faith, where you move willlessly, and thoughtlessly ahead beacause you believe that making decisions based on what you have learned is what God wants you to do? Yeah, I have lost that type of faith and replaced it with a new one. I have struggled with my beliefs for a number of years, and find that I am finally back on the uphill climb to renewing my spiritual side. I have decided through all the trials and tribulations that life can bring, that I do believe in God. I believe in Jesus and the example He set for us. I believe we are here to be a part of a family. Not just a family of people who believe like we do, worship like we do, and live like we do, but a family of human beings who share the same needs, wants, and desires. Who have the need to love and to be loved. I don't want to be that shallow person who says my way is the right way, the only way, and if you do not conform to it you will be lost to hell forever. Part of my faith is that God is bigger than all the religion we create, than all of the holy writings we validate, and of all the rules and regulations we claim God imposes. I have found that so many differnt faiths share the basic outline of beliefs. And I think we all have part of it right, and part of it wrong. I believe that different forms of worship are necessary, because we are not all the same, and do not all respond to the same stimuli. I do not have the exact same relationship with each of my children. Susie and I talk about differnt things than Emily or Jacob or Mariah and I do. Matt and Mark and Ike all have different things they like to do when we spend time together. We resond to each other differently based on our personalities and who we are. I show love to my children differntly. I have different expectations for my children, based on abiilities, age, maturity, and where they are in life. I believe God is no different. I am someone different to each one of them. I believe not two of my children would descibe me exactly the same, and I believe each one of them knows things about me and has a view of who I am that the other's do not fully have. How can someone as big as God, not be this way as well? I do not want to take someone else's opinion of who God is and make it my own. I want to be like my kids. I want to have such a relationship with Him, that I know Him for myself. That I know what we have and who we are together and the popular opinion of the church, my friends, or my community does not make me waver in what I know my God is to me. I have had several opportunities in the recent past to discuss religion with several different types of faiths. Both Jehovah's Witness and Mormon. We even attended a Morman church. (And for all my old hard line fundamental friends out there, demons did not attack us and we were not led off the straight and narrow! LOL) In my ridgid days of faith I would not have dared to educate myself on these matters. It would be putting my soul in danger to listen to these "false doctorines". What a sad thing that I used to believe. I found that those who believe differently than I have just as solid of a belief in their system. They love God, and want to please Him and commune with Him in a way that is comfortable and familiar to them. Now experiencing their form of worship did not lure me their side, in fact it had the opposite affect on me. It made my realize how I am comfortable with corporate worship, and what my personal beliefs are concerning God, His desires for my life, His plans for my future, and His plans for my afterlife. I am content and at peace with what I believe. Just as my friends of different faith are at peace in their relationships with the same God I serve. I have come to the conclusion that God does not demand faith from us for Him, but for us. God wants us to have faith because He knows that is what we hold onto when the waters get rough. Faith is how we live outside our flesh and connect to a Creator that we do not have the ability to see with human eyes. Faith that He is above all is what gives us the ability to forgive and love those around us. That is the kind of faith we all need. I want to put my faith in a loving, living God who is bigger than a title. I want to follow after a God who does not segregate us by the names of Christian, Jew, Morman, Athiest, Wiccan, Humanist, Heterosexual, Homosexual, Bi-Sexual, rich or poor. I want to have faith in and follow this God who chooses to love ALL of his children. My personal belief is that He speaks to each one us in the way He knows we will respond to. Even more than we know the hearts of our children, God knows the hearts of His. My ever expanding faith is allowing me to see that He is so much bigger and better than we give Him credit for. I am so enjoying re-establishing my relationship with Him. And I am enjoying the freedom to discuss my beliefs and opinions with others without the need to be right, or trying to convince them to come to my way of doing things. I believe God draws men and we are to only love and guide those who are seeking.

Where does a strong work ethic fit into a modern day society?

My husband and I work very hard to teach all of our children to have a good work ethic. This is a character trait that follows you into every corner of your life. We want them to understand the importance and benefits of applying yourself 100% in everything you do, and how not doing this can really hold you back once you leave your parent's home and become part of the REAL world. Unfortunately this is becoming harder and harder to teach. We can definately pound in the personal benefits of working your hardest. How much better you will run your home, how much stronger your relationships will be when you work hard on taking care of those around you. How much better you will feel about yourself because you know you are giving all you have to give. But unfortunately we almost feel like liars when we try to teach them that working hard and preforming the best is going to take them somewhere financially and in the work place. Just look around at society today and it speaks the opposite. And I bet over 75 percent of you have already witnessed this in your work places. I know people on welfare who have easier, more stress free lives than most of us who pull our blue collar fourty. And to top it all off they drive nicer cars and have more luxuries than many of us who work our lives away. And let there be someone who is caught in the welfare game who wants to get it out. It doesn't take them long to realize it is almost useless. They can do so much better doing nothing, than trying to make a living on minimum wage. Look at how we idolize and make rich those who entertain us. What about those who perform mundane services? Which could you go without longer? Hearing your favorite musicain come out with a new song, or having your sanitation worker show up at your home to take your trash? Or how about all these buffoons on capital hill getting paid the Big Bucks for running this country while we have hard working men out there putting thier very lives on the line for our freedom who are struggling to pay thier bills. What about scholarship and grant programs that have to have a certain diversity level, so the strongest get left behind so no one can cry discrimiation? It has hit our public school systems as well. I am poud of my kids for doing so well. My daughter even ended her middle school years with a 4.0. But the classes have been so dumbed down, and with the no child left behind kids are taught early they don't have to give their best.And when they do excel in today's classroom I still have to wonder how good of an education they are actually recieving. Last year at orientation one of the teachers even told us he doesn't give zeros. If a name is on the paper and something has been attempted the will get a passing grade. How does this teach children that they need to work? My oldest son who is still living at home faced this reality in school already. He is involved in JROTC and does very well. He has worked hard in school and has honor roll every grading period. He has never gotten into trouble or been involved in any problems there. But this year a girl who was suspened from school was promoted to a rank higher than his. Of course kids talk about her "promotion" and the assumed reasons behind it. And how do I look my seventeen year old son in the face and lie and tell him they are probably wrong, when deep down I know they are probably right? It was a hard lesson for him to learn and I was afraid he would stop trying so hard, but to his credit, he just kept doing what he does and didn't give less of himself. I guess I am glad he learned this now, so when it happens in his carreer he will already know the routine. I see it often in our lives in in the lives of our friends. The key to success isn't so much what you give, but how you play the game. It's more about who you know or who you blow. I still struggle with watching people who know nothing and have not put in any hard work getting promoted above people who have spent years being faithful to a company, just because of their "connections". Or to see someone come in off the street and play such a smooth game they move ahead of others who have put in heart and soul without asking for reward. Society has this work thing ass backwards! But still we will strive everyday to teach our children to be all they can be. To go home and night and when they lie down be satisfied that they gave all God put in them in every aspect of thier lives. That all the bills that were paid, and things they purchased they truley EARNED and didn't just OBTAIN. And I pray that these same traits are passed on and taught to our grandchildren as well. And aside from the same frustrations that we face watching the lack of respect for work ethic that they will take pride and satisfaction with the quality of thier lives rather the recognition of what they give.

My changing beliefs....

I have spent the last several weeks spending a lot more time talking to God. I have taken time to talk with each of my children (still at home) individually to see where they are in their relationship with Him. I am trying to really nail down what I believe and move forward in the spiritual side of my life without getting all caught up in religion again. I have been thinking alot more about what I do and don't believe, and here are my current thought on this.....
1. I don't believe I will ever have it all right. I will never nail down exactly how everyting is meant to be. I will never walk this path of life perfectly, or cease to make mistakes. I will never earn my way to heaven, or make enough mistakes to land me in hell. No one else will ever do any of these things either.
2. I believe God is real, and He is a loving God. He doesn't need me to jump through hoops to appease Him. He doesn't need me to convert the world for Him. I am not responsible for the choices others make. I beleive He wants my life to be a witness to his love an his importance in my life. I believe he wants to be an active part of my everyday life, and my new goal is to show more love and compassion to those around me. Instead of asking for every little blessing everyday for myself I am asking God to show me one person each day I can help in some small way.
3. I believe God is compassionate and fogiving. I believe God is just waiting for us to realize we need him. I don't believe God is going to send millions of people to hell for the choices they have made here on earth. Now don't get me wrong, I do believe some people will send themselves there for some time, but I don't believe just because their time on earth has ended they wont have the chance to still change their hearts and minds. I believe that God is like the best parent ever. I know no matter what any of my children EVER did I could not send them away into torment for all eternity. I could send them to jail, or to a detention home, or sit back and watch them endure the consequences to the choices they had made. (Though this would hurt deeply, and I am sure it hurts God deeply). But they moment they had a change of heart I would be there to step in and help them back up. I believe God is no different.
4. I beleive sin has a purpose in our lives. Sin can do many negative things to us, and to those around us. Choices we make can literally put is in a hell on earth. We can tear our lives up from the inside out, and tear down those around us by making choices that are selfish and uncaring. But without sin we would never see our need for God. Without evil we would recognize the beauty of holiness. Sin causes death and destruction when we allow it to take over and rule our lives. But on the other side of that, without sin we may never grow. It is the hard part of life. It is the mistakes and the selfish behavior, and the consequences of those actions that bring us to a point where we have to grow or die. When I look back on my life it wasn't the easy, glorious meetings with God that bought about the most change in me. It wasn't the "spirit filled church services" that taught me who I was, or who he meant me to be. It was putting the feet to my beliefs and walking out of some of the biggest messes I could put myself in, knowing He was walking beside me holding my hand.
5. It is NOT my place to judge others. We need to all work out our own salvation with fear and trembling. You know we are all so alike, yet it is so easy to feel we are superior to someone else. Our beliefs are better, we know God better, we act better, we don't sin like they do! Lies, lies, lies. And I believed them for so long. Heck, sometimes I still believe them. I think God meets us each where we are, and He is not turning us all into a cookie cutter society of perfect little Christians. We will all continue to have our struggles and our sins. We will all hold on to some difference in our beliefs. I dont think we are the only ones who have it right. While I do believe Jesus was sent here for ALL of us, I believe others may know Him by a different name. And while there are some who may not have plugged into that divine spark in their life yet, I believe every person has that inner craving for the spiritual side. God has made us to need him, to feel him, and to know him. So while some of us may find that connection in a Bible, in church, in nature, or in silent meditation, God is big enought to happily meet us each in those places. He hasn't said, Hey I am only gonna show up at The Church of ___________ on Sunday , so be there, or be square! No, I believe God meets us each where we are, and he has created us to worship and connect to him differently. I am want to really keep growing in this belief because I find myself ridiculing others who can only find him in specific places and that is really wrong. I am no better than they are, and they are no better than me. On this note, I do not believe that Christians are the only ones who know God. I think that God is so much bigger than we can imagine and just because someone calls him by another name, or labels themselves with another title does not mean they do no know the Creator!
6. I believe we are here to learn how to love, and how to create a better world. God made us in his image and so we are made to be like him, to want what he wants. The creative process did not stop on day 6. We are here to change things. To bring Gods desires to earth. I think we spend so much time thinking about eternity that we throw out the gift of today. God has given us a life to live, and not just to make sure everyone we know has purchased their ticket to heaven. We need to be more about today, and tomorrow will take care of itself. We need to be creating a world like God saw in the begining. It starts with one person making one good choice. Imagine if everyone, took one day (all at the same time) and focused on not thinking of themselves, but of others on that one day. That would be a picture of heaven on earth. We all have that ability but are usually too consumed with our own lives to do so.
Well, there is more coming, but I need to end this and get to work. If this gives you something to think about or you have any comments or questions I would appreciate them.

appologies

You know I have definately spent sometime, both on my notes and exspecially in my blog talking about my irritation with religious people. Well, I owe you guys an appology. I have now come to realize that not only those who hide behind God suck, but most of the world does. For a while I have been so dissolusioned with the religious community overall and thought I found more honesty and the ability to be real in the general public, but each sects definatley have their own issues. Most of the Christians (and I emphasis most...not ALL) have put up a front and portrayed something they are not. And let me tell you I have seen it all! Friends that turn their backs on you the moment you fall, people who want to use your mistakes as a distraction from and excuse for the sin in their own lives, and people that are so plastic you wonder if they wont melt in the noonday sun! My overall irritation wtih this is I just want to be real. But no one is anymore. I have already voiced my concerns with the church, but the problems outside are just as big. People act like they are your friends, but stab you in the back the first time you disagree. Companies dont want people who do their jobs, but puppets who know how to suck up and play the game. I feel like I am in kindergarten and no one wants to learn anything. I am sick of two faced, backbiting people. Aren't there any people out there who have the courage and confidence to address an issue they may have, instead of having to retaliate or run to someone else to fix their issues for them? Where does all this stem from? Let me see, the religious issues I have beat to death already so I wont go there. If you need a refresher course on it, go read my blog at blogspot.com titled "The other side". As for the general public let me elaborate. Everyday I hear the anger and hatred from people who don't even know me. I listen to the problems of my employees and family, and they all seem to stem from the selfishness and lack of consideration caused by other people. I make buisness decisions that people want to make personal. I get lies spewed to others about my conduct.... and let me tell you something if you dont' know me. If I fuck something up I will be the first to tell you about it! (For my family, pardon my language! ) I have my children affected by the vengance others want to seek. I look at the world around me and everyone is out for number one! People in stores ignore other people, try to run over you in the parking lot. I went grocery shopping last night and 3 kids about 10 years old and younger are in the parking lot playing in carts and cussing more than I cuss in a month! People everywhere seem to have lost their minds. And they all play games. We have looked into the personal lives of numerous acquantances and most all of them try to present themselves, and their lifestyles as something other than what they are. Don't misunderstand me, I lived in hell in the past, and though I tried to let my kids think our lives were better than they were, my friends and acquantaces knew I lived in hell, knew my husband was on drugs, knew we couldn't keep up with the Joneses, and though I tried to play the religious role, when I decided to sin I definately made it known! I am so grateful to have found my husband and the family I have married into. They are hardworking, honest people and not alot of those exist. My husband and I have reached the point that we are afraid to make friends anymore, and I find this to be a sad lonely place. If there are many other people out there that believe in honesty and concern for others, I wonder if they hold the same fears we do. I just want to stick to my family and the few we have found who are tried and true! I am grateful for the good people in my life, but I am definately saddened by the overall condition of mankind. I know we all struggle with these issues, and I know we all have bought harm to someone else. I know everyone has spoken words that hurt, but how many follow them with words to heal? I want the bitterness and dissillusions I have encountered to help make me a better person. I want to try to show kindness to those who are hurting, but another side of me wants to crush those who cause the pain. I was once told by a wise friend that your thirties are your hardest years, and while I definately agree they are the most turbulant, the hardest thing here lately has been fourty and coming to grips with the reality around me. I know how these games are played... the plastic smiles... the positive friendly talk (followed by hateful words behind thier backs)... and the you scratch my back I'll scratch yours mentality. While I often feel that if I could only become a master player my life would be so much more simple, the person inside me is kicking and screaming in revolt. I struggle that we don't fit into the world, but I thank God for it. So we have now found we don't fit in the church or in the world! Is there anyone else out there who feels this way?