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Thursday, July 3, 2014

"Trashy People"


I read a post today on my Facebook newsfeed, that was really convicting to me. A girl on my friends list was talking about all of the trashy people at the Salem fair. You guys know the people she was talking about. The ones who pick up welfare checks on the first and are broke by the fifth. The ones who sell their foodstamps for drug money, have their hair and nails done while their kids are looking scraggly. The ones who will cuss you out for looking their way. The ones who cuss me out at work on a daily basis.The ones most of us hardworking Americans do our best to just avoid. But these "trashy people" are also the ones I find God asking me to pray for alot more often. These are the ones I am asking God, begging God, screaming to God, to let me see through His eyes everyday. These are the people whose stories we do not know. Whose pain we have not felt and whose burdens we have not carried. These are the people God loves and who Jesus would be fellowshiping with if he were here in the flesh. Now let me pause for a moment to say I am not writing this condescendingly. I have struggled with both sides of this issue. I am not going to lie or be self-righteous here. When I go into a grocery store at the beginning of any given month and see a young woman cussing her kids, talking on her cell phone, going through line with a cart full of food I can't even afford to buy after busting my tail all week, pulling out her EBT card and splashing attitude all over the place,I struggle with the same negative thoughts and feelings as the rest of you. I struggle hard. I have made some of the same comments I saw online today, and felt the same disgust that was so obvious in my friend`s post. But seeing it there in black and white helped me in a couple of ways. 1. I have really been praying diligently for God to help me love people more..... particularly the least of these. And I am finding that slowly, and painfully, God is answering my prayers. What I saw today made me disgusted not with those trashy people but with myself. Disgusted by the judgement I have held over people I don't even know. 2. I have had a real issue with religious people for some time now. No real surprise to people who read my blog, and reading that post today I thoght this is what I dislike about "Christians". And like a whisper in my ear, my next thought was "How are you any different" ? My God, you are right! I have been irritated by people for doing the same thing I have been, and still am guilty of. You know, the only thing that will ever make a differencein the life of these "trashy people"is love. And if those of us who have experienced the love of God can't show them kindness and respect, how do you think they will view God through us? They will view Him as judgmental, self-righteous, and ready to strike out against them We are supposed to be the bearers of God here on earth, and looking at others (and my own) thoughts and attitudes today, I think we might just be the "trashy people" and not them!

Thursday, May 29, 2014

The Fairy Tale Following the Nightmare


I can't write a post about the darkness of my past without following it with the brightness of my present life. I waas pretty much your typical little girl as a young child. I lived in Roanoke, Virginia and had a second story bedroom window that faced out toward the Catholic church near downtown. This is a beautiful church and when it was all lit up at night it looked just like the Disney castle. For a short period of time I actually thought it was the Disney Castle and wondered why we never went there. Anyway, the relevance of this to my story, is that even as a very young girl I always thought about the day I would meet my Prince Charming and live happily ever after. I always thought being a wife and mother would be the greatest job in the world and spent many hours cooking up wonderful meals at my metal kitchen set for my baby doll in preparation for that coming day. As my prior post so blatantly points out, this dream of mine didn't come to life in the way I was hoping. I didn't fall in love and live happily ever after. The first time I truly fell in love was on May 17, 1990 when the doctor laid a precious little baby boy in my arms. Then again on November 9, 1992 when his beautiful sister was born. Then on October 25, 1994 God gave me another amazing son to bring joy to a difficult life. On December 24, 1996 another precious daughter was given to me. Then December 2, 1998 I had another beautiful boy, followed on January 30, 2001 by my final little bundle of joy (another son). I would have another daughter brought into my life years later.... and I will get to that later on. So this is the beginning of my fairy tale. I truly fell in love each time a child was born. I know most all mothers feel this way. There is an unspeakable bond between a mother and child, that you just can't put into words. There is something about that life growing inside, and then caring and providing for that innocent baby that makes a Mom want to move mountains for her children. Nothing in my life made me feel more fufilled than taking care of my kids. Being a Mom to such an amazing group of kids has always been and will forever be the beginning of my fairy tale. And as they get older those feelings have only grown stronger. My kids and I have been through hell and back.We have failed one another (me more than them), forgiven one another, We have walked through joy and saddness together. I know my children will always be there for me, and they know we will always be there for them. My children did not have an easy life. I will not go into detail on this, as it is their story to tell, not mine. But for those of you who read my blog, you know they faced many obstacles early on. I am so amazed by their strength and their spirit. How all of my children have grown out of adversity, and I couldn't be prouder of them all! As they are becoming adults and starting families of their own my joy becomes even greater. Now I not only have amazing children to love, but four beautiful grandchildren! Now what fairy tale would be complete without its prince? I was great in the kid department! I had some beautiful, wonderful children, but I wasn't quite as fortunate when it came to tracking down a prince! I stumbled across a few toads along the way, but all the kisses in the world didn't free them from their curse. When my children were young, there were two prayers I distinctly remember praying on a daily basis. 1. Was that God would let my mini-van blow up with me and all the kids in it, beacause I just didn't feel I could keep going on. Or option 2. That God would please send someone who would love and appreciate us into our lives. I am so glad God chose option 2! I never found my Prince, he found me! He found me when I wasn't exactly the best woman I could be. I was starting to grow out of some of the false thinking, but my life wasn't exactly pristine either. He pursued me and he treated me with a care and respect I never thought truly existed. He was a good friend early on (and my very best friend now). When I look at him, I see every quality I ever wanted in a man, and then some. Early in our relationship I always tried to make him understand that I was not good enough for him. He never saw me that way. Even when so many people tried to tell him he was making a mistake, he followed his heart! I am so grateful for that. I never dreamed marriage could be so wonderful. But the very best thing about my Prince, is that his love wasn't just for me. He loves our children with all of his heart and I know he would do anything for them. He adopted 4 of them. And that in itself is a legal formality. We have children together and all 7 are truly ours. Before Jake came along my kids were MINE. I never felt the "ours" aspect of having children with someone else in this way. The kids couldn't belong to him anymore than they do now even if he planted the seeds himself! I never thought we would experience having such a complete and happy family. So there is my fairy tale. A wonderful group of children (and grandchildren). An amazing Prince! All the love and support I never dreamed possible. I couldn't ask for anything more!

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Escaping the Nightmares


It is not as often as it used to be, but every now and then I will awaken from a dream that makes me want to not close my eyes anymore that night. These dreams are always the same, and always of my past. They seem almost more horrific to me now, than the reality did when I was living through it. Now some would say that since these dreams still haunt me maybe I have not been healed from my past, or maybe I have not been set free. I do not believe either of these lines of thought to be true! I can honestly say I am sometimes grateful for the nightmare. My life has come full circle and only the nightmare brings back the depth of pain, hopelessness, fear, and sorrow my life consisted of. I believe that memory only makes me more grateful for what I have now, and more willing to share the darker side of my story so someone elses who is hurting knows they too can make it and there is hope! Also I find writing to be therapeutic. It takes away the sting from the portion of my life I just revisited, and gives purpose to the pain. Like all of my nightmares, once again I find myself in the midst of a fight with my ex. He is drunk and hateful, and I am afraid and broken. I am always trying to find a way to hide my children from the reality of their circumstances. They are the only light in my life and my real concern is that they do not fully feel the pain in which we live. But this story starts way before the incidents taking place in my dreams. It starts when I was a young teenager. It starts when my father leaves and my mom becomes broken and alone. It starts when I was an awkward teen who fit in absolutely no where. It was these feelings of being unloved and unacceptable that I embraced in my early years that put me on a crash course with disaster! It was the feelings that maybe it was my fault my parent‘s marriage failed, maybe my father didn‘t love me because I really wasn't good enough, and maybe the kids at school didn't like me because I really was a skinny, ugly freak. Early on I learned to view myself as the exact opposite of who God created me to be. Just like so many others I bought into these lies and they had a devastating effect on my future. At the age of sixteen I was already pretty broken mentally. I only wanted to feel accepted and loved. I soon became involved in the wrong relationship, with someone I would spend the next 15 years of my life with. He was from a very hard life. He had a history of being abused and in and out of foster homes. At that stage of her life and for many years prior, his mom was both an alcoholic and drug abuser. And as it is in most families, he was already starting to follow in his mothers footsteps. I remember the first time I visited in their home being shocked by the living conditions. They had so very little, his mon was drunk and she had transients in and out all of the time. We ate food someone had gotten out of the dumpster from a local fast food chain. Even though his mother was pretty wasted she must have been rather wise and insightful. I remember her sitting me down once and asking me if I loved her son or if I felt sorry for him. I didn't know how to answer so I said "both". Years later I realize how smart she was to ask me that question. Now do not get me wrong. I loved my children's biological father. But now I realize it was not the type of love on which you build a marriage. That was something I would not experience for many years. It was something I was incapable of experiencing until I was able to change some of my ways of thinking. At this stage of life and after walking through so much rejection and pain over the years, I have come to realize that escaping the nightmare wasn't just about changing the circumstances in which I lived, but changing my way of thinking.I had to come to a point in my life where I saw myself as who I was created to be and not who I had become. It was easy to listen to the lies all of those years that I was unlovable, that I was worthless. I went from a bad relationship with my father, to an abusive marriage, to a life that fell into such a desolate place that not many who end there are able to come back from it. Still to this day, there are times I struggle with feelings of inferiority. There are moments when my failures as a mother come back to haunt me. There are days I wake up and wonder why my husband and children love me and what they could possibly find good in me. But , fortunately I can also say that those days are fewer than they used to be. As I have come to find value in myself, I expect more for me and my family than ever before in my life. I have come to recognize who God has made me to be. And that person is not unlovable and worthless. That person has a lot of love to share, and alot of herself to give to others. Now my next battle is learning to trust others.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

And the greatest of these is love


I have been giving quite a lot of indepth thought this week to what it is I actually believe. When I allow the church to ruffle my feathers it seems to temporarily throw me off balance, and I have to take a breath and refocus. As I have pulled myself off my soap box this week, I have decided it was time to write a blog about the positive and not the negatives. To realign ny heart and mind with what God is shouting in my spirit! And that is love, love, love, love, love. I guess for me it is hard to come completely clean with why I believe the way I do. Sometimes I feel like I haven't yet come out of the closet spirituality. I live in a predominantly "Christian" fishbowl, I love and worship God so much. I pray so much some days I jokingly wonder if God feels like an overwhelmed parent and may need me to take a nap so he can have some "Me", time. Now here comes the part where I step out of my proverbial closet......... The closer I get to God the further I get from the belief that the Bible is meant to be taken literally. The more I read it, the more I see how I had been indoctrinated to read it with a specific interpretation. The more I try to keep my heart and mind in tune with our Creator the more I realize Jesus simplified the whole conflicting mess when He told us to love the Lord our God with all our hearts souls and minds and to love our neighbors as ourselves. This is truly my hearts cry. This is where I am going to be placing my focus for the days and months ahead. When I find myself getting sidetracked by all the ugliness committed in the name of God, I am going to remember that everyone (including myself) have been (and are) guilty of the same things. I am going to srtrive all the more to live a life that reflects the love of my Saviour, and I am going to spend more time hanging on to God, because as His love is shown to me I have no choice but to have a greater love and tolerance for others. You know, none of us will EVER get it all right! We all have some truth to learn from one another. May God help me to keep my ears and heart open more and my mouth closed a little more. May I truly learn to practice what I preach and focus on love!

Friday, April 25, 2014

My frustrations with religion


It seems my frustrations with religion will never cease. I guess one of the contributing factors is that we are still attending a rather conservative church and when you place yourself in the path of the religious what else can you expect besides narrow mindedness and legalism. I find there are aspects of church I don't want my family to miss out on. Corporate worship is nice and we always listen to the message and then disect it as a family on the way home. We try to talk about what we do and don't agree with and why. We have really been wanting to stay focused on our children having a relationship with God that is not dependent on church. I even let them go to youth group early on, but when they came home and they were telling me how the youth leader was talking about how he was witnessing to a Jehovah's Witness at his work and was offered a Watch Tower he told her, "Thanks, I was running out of toilet paper", I knew we were dealing with more of the same. Such bigotry from thoses who should be showing the love of Christ and not cramming a Bible down their neighbors throat. Now I mostly believe I find myself sitting in church so often so God can teach me the same tolerance and love I want to see in others. I find it usually easy to love the outcasts and "sinners" but more difficult to love thoses who are in my eyes modern day Pharisees. I guess over the years as I have truly come to know God I have found how badly He had been misrepresented to me and I hate to see that happening to others. When I was deeply entrenched in some really rough stuff, it was those who loved me unconditionally that brought conviction into my life and made me pray to God for change. Thoses who spouted scriptures only made me want to rebel all the more. I want to train my children to be tolerant and loving and to accept people as they are. We pray for others, for God to move in their lives, and for us to be used to help people whenever and however we can. I have friends of different religious persuasions from Agnostic, to Christian, to Mormon. (And yes people, in case you have been falsely taught Mormons are Christians too). And even for those we know who don't believe exactly as we do we just love one another and don't cram our interpretation of scriptures down their throats. I guess I just had to vent a bit this morning. Instead of walking away from the church as a whole (as I am often tempted to do, I am going to keep pressing on.I know I am being taught tolerance and grace. I try to see past their words to their misguided hearts. I used to be just like them, even worse than some I know. I need to direct an equal amount of love and prayers their way as I do for others. So readers of my blog and fellow misfits send a praer out that God will keep teaching me what I so desperately want to see others learn.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Dreams


Last night was the fist time in ages that I had a dream that seemed to speak of more than eating something too close to going to bed. I used to have these types of dreams quite often in my younger days. Dreams of semblance or meaning. When I was child they scared me. When I was a Pentecostal it was labeled as prophetic dreams. No matter what your background or theology many people from many walks of life takes dreams as a voice whether from God, your inner consciousness, or a guide for your life. My personal belief is that God speaks to us everyday through any voice we are able to hear. You may find this dream interesting and may interpret it in a way that has relevance to your life, but I will put what it meant to me as well. It may seem a bit like a sci-fi story, but read on and I would love to hear some of your interpretations at the end. We were living in a post apocalyptic world. It was Jake, myself, our children, his sister and her his parents, my sister, her husband and son, and my mom, my Nanny (who passed away 26 years ago), my dad, a handful of people from our old church, my friends Tim and Stephanie, and many people who I did not know. Our children were all younger at that time. Jacob was in his teens and Matt was about 5. Many of us were living at this old abandoned amusement park. We were just a few miles from the ocean. The park was located high on hill and if you looked east you had a perfect view of the ocean pounding on the beach. To the west you could see the city that lay in ruins, smoke still rising from various fires. To the north was a wasteland. On the outskirts was what appeared to be dump of some sort. And the amusement park we were finding shelter in ran miles to the south. Behind it was an old zoo that still held some sickly animals that we were trying to protect, feed, and repopulate for our own food supply. The world had pretty much turned into your normal zombie movie, with a few exceptions. These people who had lost their minds to this "illness" only attacked if they recognized you were different from them. You could go out into their world, walk as they walked, be blank and uncaring and coexist without so much as a scratch. If you had any motivation or purpose to your stride, if they saw you ever try to assist another living being, they would attack and tear you to pieces. We would often stand at the gates to our makeshift village in the evenings and watch them wander on the beaches, or searching through the trash piles for food. On rare occasions something would bring a memory one of these ill souls and their heart would feel love from the past. If they were close enough to our shelter, Jake and our friend Tim would run a dangerous mission out to collect this "zombie" and get them back to our shelter where they could reclaim the type of life we still had. If we were not close enough, once the others recognized that this zombie had a spark of a thought for someone other than itself, they would tear that person to pieces and leave their body on the ground to rot. I kept thinking to myself how in an earlier time we would have been living in paradise! To be this close to the beach, and be surrounded by all you need would to keep you entertained and happy would have been a dream. Now we were living in crowded, uncomfortable, conditions, and had to stay constantly on the lookout to survive. My sister's husband decided he was tired of living this way, and he wanted his wife and child to conform to the zombies way of living so they could exist in a nice dwelling inside the city. They would have to walk around lifeless and uncaring when outdoors, but he said they could live as normal within the walls of a nice home in exchange for sacrificing their lifestyle. The adults in our village were so busy trying to save those few who regained the ability to think, to protect those we had living with us, and to provide the necessities to keep us alive that we were getting run down and unable to focus clearly on the task at hand. After a while of living this way some of the children started asking if there was a cure for living this way. Was there someone or something that could set us free from this lifestyle and make things right again. We told them we were doing all we knew to do to make life easier and to help as many as possible, but that things would remain they way they were. One afternoon my youngest son was sitting at the edge of the landfill. It was already a really hot and steamy day and we were looking for water bottles, or something we could drink. He found this old piece of wood that looked to be rotting. He was getting ready to take a bite when I yelled for him to stop. The other kids were laughing at him saying he was trying to eat "poop" and some of the adults were running up telling him not to put this dirty thing into his mouth. He looked at me and said Mom I know this is what we need to get better. He took a bite and water began to flow out of this rotted piece of wood. A small sticker fell off the back that said Cedar and in small print Living Water. I picked it up after him and took a bite. It was the most bitter taste I have ever encountered. But within seconds I could feel heat and vitality that I had not felt in years. It was as if my body was being healed from the inside out. My husband and other children took a drink from the juices as well. We tried to get my sister to take a bite, but she refused saying she could not go against her husband, and she did not want to be different from him. We tried to get Jake's sister to take a bite, but she refused saying that something so ugly and uncouth could not possibly be the way to a better life. Tim and Stephanie joined us in the drinking, but when they tried to get other members from our old church to take a drink, they refused saying they knew they way to healing it did not come through something so old and dirty, but through proper rituals and prayers. As we felt our bodies grow stronger and our minds grow sharper we tried to get others to drink from this rotted wood. We knew we had found the answer. A few joined us, but most wanted to hold on to their way of thinking. Embracing something so small, dirty, and ugly was not something that could even enter their lines of thinking. Then some people got really mad and started to try to fight us to get the wood so they could burn it. Once this started happening, I looked at Matthew and it appeared his skin was becoming transparent. It was as if he was slipping away. He said for me not to worry, it was nice where he was going and he totally disappeared from sight. Then the other children who had drank early on began to have the same effects. I was not afraid. I knew this was going to be a good transition, but I became frantic to get my sister to drink. She still refused saying she wanted to try Gary's way first. I broke off a small piece of the wood and slipped it in her pocket and told her to please join me as soon as she could. Then I faded away just as the others had done. When I awoke in the new place it was not new at all. I was in my Nanny's old home and the people who had drink of the water were all in this old reality with me. The other people in this realm were not zombies, but there were still hardships to overcome, people to help, and pain to endure. Yet inside the warmth and comfort of that bitter water seemed to keep us whole and focused. Later on others would join us. My sister had placed the bitter wood in a secure area before she and her son drank from the piece I had given her. I guess my own interpretation for me would be multi layered. On the surface we all get so caught up in our day to day survival of making money, taking care of family, and providing for our needs that we become a type of zombie ourselves. We cannot see past our basic needs to the reality around us. Our time is consumed with things that eventually will rot away. Even in helping others we can loose the most important parts of life. On a more spiritual side I think the best way to real life is so often over looked even by those who are supposed to be pedaling it. The life that Jesus represented when he came was ugly and dirty and hard. He was in the dirt with the drunks, whores, and tax collectors. His drink was love and it was a very bitter cup indeed. Even to this day it is ritual, law and righteousness (self righteousness to be exact) that is being pushed as the answer by most of those in religious authority. Love an compassion and acceptance of our fellow man is a bitter, vile, thing that looks too much like acceptance of sin instead of what it is... What Jesus came to offer. For me this dream was about not joining the zombies of this age and being concerned with myself and my survival, but about accepting and sharing a love that will bring inner peace and healing. Not a life that will be easy and self satisfying, but a life that will be filled with storms, heartache, and pain. The secret to this dream is that bitter drink. That drink to me is the love of Jesus. A love I can carry inside for my own healing and the healing of others. A love that will bind my family together and make the way for a better life in a world that is full of strife. What is your interpretation of this story?

Monday, December 31, 2012

A New Year


Over the last several weeks I have been contemplating the arrival of a new year. So much has happened over these last few years, and my family has definatley experienced it's share of ups and downs. It seems I have come the point where most everything stresses me out and I am confused about what we are supposed to be doing with our lives. It seems we are kind of stuck in a holding pattern, and waiting on a clear course of action to present itself. My husband isn't in the best work evironment. He has to deal with some stresses and issues that are unfair and harsh. I have a work environment that flows both ways. While I enjoy my job most of the time, I find my line of work really makes me struggle with my ability to be a softer person. It kind of makes me hard. I have had a few disappointments and issues that have really angered and upset me in the past several months. We have not put down any roots where we are living. We have made no real friends, and cannot seem to find any place where we really fit in. We want to offer more to the world than what we are doing here. We feel like we have more purpose. Now don't get me wrong, my husband and I both do all we can to help others. I pray everyday before I leave my house that God will give me an opportunity to do something for someone else. But how amazing it would be for this mentality to become our way of life. We both belive we are meant for more. While thinking about the upcoming New Year, I have been round and round with all the things I would like to accomplish. We have the ever famous get into shape, spend more quality time with my family, think before I open my mouth, pray before I open my mouth (and all of you who know me well are either laughing or saying AMEN at this point). But what I really want is to stop depending on myself. I think the reason I am so stressed and get upset so easily is because I expect to do everything right, and to fix all my problems. I put too much trust in my own abilities. I really want to start concentrating on the right things again, and all these petty surroundings may be taking my eyes off a higher goal. Now don't get me wrong here, I still do not believe God just comes in and orchastrates every move we make. We have common sense, free will, motivation, and the desire to create. God gave us all these for a purpose. But what I am finding is this. God allows us to be in a particular place for a particual purpose. All the irritations and discoragments are only taking our eyes off of what we may be there to accomplish. We were never promised a perfect life. It is the hard times, the discouragements, the injustices we experience, and the failures that truly teach us and cause us to grow. My real resolution for this New Year is to learn to walk in love and humility and depend on the One from whom I can draw real strength and direction. I am learning not only to trust but to really love Him again, and this year I want that to grow on a daily basis. Now let me clarify this again. This in no way, shape or form means I have any desire to dive back into religion. In fact this is quite the opposite. I do not want to be known as a Christian or a member of a specific denomoniation or religious establishment. I want to be known as someone who shows a love and peace that is uncommon in today's society. I want to keep my mouth shut and my heart open. I want to depend on God's grace to get me through my day and not my own strength. I want to make choices that I want to see my children follow after. I want to bring honor to my husband by being the wife he deserves. I want people to know I am different and I don't want it to have a thing to do with what I say, but because of how I live. I feel a change coming to our home. I have for a while. But I feel that change is starting inside. I think there are some changes I need to make internally before God completes any changes for us externally. I am wanting to learn to let go of the things that don't really matter, and hold on with all my strength to the ones that do. Like everyone else I have no clue what 2013 will hold. But my prayer and my desire for the year that follows is that while I will try to be physically healthy, that I work on keeping my spirit just as strong and healthy. While I want to have happy peaceful life, that I will bring joy and peace to those around me. Do I want to move, and get new jobs, and make friends, and find a church we can feel a part of, and feel like we are contributing to the lives of other? Of course I do, but I am not going to stress over it. I am going to keep walking this path He has put us on and trust that all those doors will open when we are ready for them to. And until then I will be thankful for all we have. Jobs that actually pay us (and not too shabbily), a nice home in a safe neighborhood, and pretty good schools for our kids. We have a great family. I love my kids so much! We think our kids are the greatest (even when they may not be). My husband is so good to all of us. And I know how fortunate we are to have a home that is peaceful. There isn't a bunch of fighting and arguing like so many people experience. I have so many things to be thankful for. So as this year closes, I will count my blessing, realize that the troubles we have experienced are helping us grow, and keep my thoughts and energies focused on more than this day to day life!