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Sunday, May 4, 2014

And the greatest of these is love


I have been giving quite a lot of indepth thought this week to what it is I actually believe. When I allow the church to ruffle my feathers it seems to temporarily throw me off balance, and I have to take a breath and refocus. As I have pulled myself off my soap box this week, I have decided it was time to write a blog about the positive and not the negatives. To realign ny heart and mind with what God is shouting in my spirit! And that is love, love, love, love, love. I guess for me it is hard to come completely clean with why I believe the way I do. Sometimes I feel like I haven't yet come out of the closet spirituality. I live in a predominantly "Christian" fishbowl, I love and worship God so much. I pray so much some days I jokingly wonder if God feels like an overwhelmed parent and may need me to take a nap so he can have some "Me", time. Now here comes the part where I step out of my proverbial closet......... The closer I get to God the further I get from the belief that the Bible is meant to be taken literally. The more I read it, the more I see how I had been indoctrinated to read it with a specific interpretation. The more I try to keep my heart and mind in tune with our Creator the more I realize Jesus simplified the whole conflicting mess when He told us to love the Lord our God with all our hearts souls and minds and to love our neighbors as ourselves. This is truly my hearts cry. This is where I am going to be placing my focus for the days and months ahead. When I find myself getting sidetracked by all the ugliness committed in the name of God, I am going to remember that everyone (including myself) have been (and are) guilty of the same things. I am going to srtrive all the more to live a life that reflects the love of my Saviour, and I am going to spend more time hanging on to God, because as His love is shown to me I have no choice but to have a greater love and tolerance for others. You know, none of us will EVER get it all right! We all have some truth to learn from one another. May God help me to keep my ears and heart open more and my mouth closed a little more. May I truly learn to practice what I preach and focus on love!

Friday, April 25, 2014

My frustrations with religion


It seems my frustrations with religion will never cease. I guess one of the contributing factors is that we are still attending a rather conservative church and when you place yourself in the path of the religious what else can you expect besides narrow mindedness and legalism. I find there are aspects of church I don't want my family to miss out on. Corporate worship is nice and we always listen to the message and then disect it as a family on the way home. We try to talk about what we do and don't agree with and why. We have really been wanting to stay focused on our children having a relationship with God that is not dependent on church. I even let them go to youth group early on, but when they came home and they were telling me how the youth leader was talking about how he was witnessing to a Jehovah's Witness at his work and was offered a Watch Tower he told her, "Thanks, I was running out of toilet paper", I knew we were dealing with more of the same. Such bigotry from thoses who should be showing the love of Christ and not cramming a Bible down their neighbors throat. Now I mostly believe I find myself sitting in church so often so God can teach me the same tolerance and love I want to see in others. I find it usually easy to love the outcasts and "sinners" but more difficult to love thoses who are in my eyes modern day Pharisees. I guess over the years as I have truly come to know God I have found how badly He had been misrepresented to me and I hate to see that happening to others. When I was deeply entrenched in some really rough stuff, it was those who loved me unconditionally that brought conviction into my life and made me pray to God for change. Thoses who spouted scriptures only made me want to rebel all the more. I want to train my children to be tolerant and loving and to accept people as they are. We pray for others, for God to move in their lives, and for us to be used to help people whenever and however we can. I have friends of different religious persuasions from Agnostic, to Christian, to Mormon. (And yes people, in case you have been falsely taught Mormons are Christians too). And even for those we know who don't believe exactly as we do we just love one another and don't cram our interpretation of scriptures down their throats. I guess I just had to vent a bit this morning. Instead of walking away from the church as a whole (as I am often tempted to do, I am going to keep pressing on.I know I am being taught tolerance and grace. I try to see past their words to their misguided hearts. I used to be just like them, even worse than some I know. I need to direct an equal amount of love and prayers their way as I do for others. So readers of my blog and fellow misfits send a praer out that God will keep teaching me what I so desperately want to see others learn.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Dreams


Last night was the fist time in ages that I had a dream that seemed to speak of more than eating something too close to going to bed. I used to have these types of dreams quite often in my younger days. Dreams of semblance or meaning. When I was child they scared me. When I was a Pentecostal it was labeled as prophetic dreams. No matter what your background or theology many people from many walks of life takes dreams as a voice whether from God, your inner consciousness, or a guide for your life. My personal belief is that God speaks to us everyday through any voice we are able to hear. You may find this dream interesting and may interpret it in a way that has relevance to your life, but I will put what it meant to me as well. It may seem a bit like a sci-fi story, but read on and I would love to hear some of your interpretations at the end. We were living in a post apocalyptic world. It was Jake, myself, our children, his sister and her his parents, my sister, her husband and son, and my mom, my Nanny (who passed away 26 years ago), my dad, a handful of people from our old church, my friends Tim and Stephanie, and many people who I did not know. Our children were all younger at that time. Jacob was in his teens and Matt was about 5. Many of us were living at this old abandoned amusement park. We were just a few miles from the ocean. The park was located high on hill and if you looked east you had a perfect view of the ocean pounding on the beach. To the west you could see the city that lay in ruins, smoke still rising from various fires. To the north was a wasteland. On the outskirts was what appeared to be dump of some sort. And the amusement park we were finding shelter in ran miles to the south. Behind it was an old zoo that still held some sickly animals that we were trying to protect, feed, and repopulate for our own food supply. The world had pretty much turned into your normal zombie movie, with a few exceptions. These people who had lost their minds to this "illness" only attacked if they recognized you were different from them. You could go out into their world, walk as they walked, be blank and uncaring and coexist without so much as a scratch. If you had any motivation or purpose to your stride, if they saw you ever try to assist another living being, they would attack and tear you to pieces. We would often stand at the gates to our makeshift village in the evenings and watch them wander on the beaches, or searching through the trash piles for food. On rare occasions something would bring a memory one of these ill souls and their heart would feel love from the past. If they were close enough to our shelter, Jake and our friend Tim would run a dangerous mission out to collect this "zombie" and get them back to our shelter where they could reclaim the type of life we still had. If we were not close enough, once the others recognized that this zombie had a spark of a thought for someone other than itself, they would tear that person to pieces and leave their body on the ground to rot. I kept thinking to myself how in an earlier time we would have been living in paradise! To be this close to the beach, and be surrounded by all you need would to keep you entertained and happy would have been a dream. Now we were living in crowded, uncomfortable, conditions, and had to stay constantly on the lookout to survive. My sister's husband decided he was tired of living this way, and he wanted his wife and child to conform to the zombies way of living so they could exist in a nice dwelling inside the city. They would have to walk around lifeless and uncaring when outdoors, but he said they could live as normal within the walls of a nice home in exchange for sacrificing their lifestyle. The adults in our village were so busy trying to save those few who regained the ability to think, to protect those we had living with us, and to provide the necessities to keep us alive that we were getting run down and unable to focus clearly on the task at hand. After a while of living this way some of the children started asking if there was a cure for living this way. Was there someone or something that could set us free from this lifestyle and make things right again. We told them we were doing all we knew to do to make life easier and to help as many as possible, but that things would remain they way they were. One afternoon my youngest son was sitting at the edge of the landfill. It was already a really hot and steamy day and we were looking for water bottles, or something we could drink. He found this old piece of wood that looked to be rotting. He was getting ready to take a bite when I yelled for him to stop. The other kids were laughing at him saying he was trying to eat "poop" and some of the adults were running up telling him not to put this dirty thing into his mouth. He looked at me and said Mom I know this is what we need to get better. He took a bite and water began to flow out of this rotted piece of wood. A small sticker fell off the back that said Cedar and in small print Living Water. I picked it up after him and took a bite. It was the most bitter taste I have ever encountered. But within seconds I could feel heat and vitality that I had not felt in years. It was as if my body was being healed from the inside out. My husband and other children took a drink from the juices as well. We tried to get my sister to take a bite, but she refused saying she could not go against her husband, and she did not want to be different from him. We tried to get Jake's sister to take a bite, but she refused saying that something so ugly and uncouth could not possibly be the way to a better life. Tim and Stephanie joined us in the drinking, but when they tried to get other members from our old church to take a drink, they refused saying they knew they way to healing it did not come through something so old and dirty, but through proper rituals and prayers. As we felt our bodies grow stronger and our minds grow sharper we tried to get others to drink from this rotted wood. We knew we had found the answer. A few joined us, but most wanted to hold on to their way of thinking. Embracing something so small, dirty, and ugly was not something that could even enter their lines of thinking. Then some people got really mad and started to try to fight us to get the wood so they could burn it. Once this started happening, I looked at Matthew and it appeared his skin was becoming transparent. It was as if he was slipping away. He said for me not to worry, it was nice where he was going and he totally disappeared from sight. Then the other children who had drank early on began to have the same effects. I was not afraid. I knew this was going to be a good transition, but I became frantic to get my sister to drink. She still refused saying she wanted to try Gary's way first. I broke off a small piece of the wood and slipped it in her pocket and told her to please join me as soon as she could. Then I faded away just as the others had done. When I awoke in the new place it was not new at all. I was in my Nanny's old home and the people who had drink of the water were all in this old reality with me. The other people in this realm were not zombies, but there were still hardships to overcome, people to help, and pain to endure. Yet inside the warmth and comfort of that bitter water seemed to keep us whole and focused. Later on others would join us. My sister had placed the bitter wood in a secure area before she and her son drank from the piece I had given her. I guess my own interpretation for me would be multi layered. On the surface we all get so caught up in our day to day survival of making money, taking care of family, and providing for our needs that we become a type of zombie ourselves. We cannot see past our basic needs to the reality around us. Our time is consumed with things that eventually will rot away. Even in helping others we can loose the most important parts of life. On a more spiritual side I think the best way to real life is so often over looked even by those who are supposed to be pedaling it. The life that Jesus represented when he came was ugly and dirty and hard. He was in the dirt with the drunks, whores, and tax collectors. His drink was love and it was a very bitter cup indeed. Even to this day it is ritual, law and righteousness (self righteousness to be exact) that is being pushed as the answer by most of those in religious authority. Love an compassion and acceptance of our fellow man is a bitter, vile, thing that looks too much like acceptance of sin instead of what it is... What Jesus came to offer. For me this dream was about not joining the zombies of this age and being concerned with myself and my survival, but about accepting and sharing a love that will bring inner peace and healing. Not a life that will be easy and self satisfying, but a life that will be filled with storms, heartache, and pain. The secret to this dream is that bitter drink. That drink to me is the love of Jesus. A love I can carry inside for my own healing and the healing of others. A love that will bind my family together and make the way for a better life in a world that is full of strife. What is your interpretation of this story?

Monday, December 31, 2012

A New Year


Over the last several weeks I have been contemplating the arrival of a new year. So much has happened over these last few years, and my family has definatley experienced it's share of ups and downs. It seems I have come the point where most everything stresses me out and I am confused about what we are supposed to be doing with our lives. It seems we are kind of stuck in a holding pattern, and waiting on a clear course of action to present itself. My husband isn't in the best work evironment. He has to deal with some stresses and issues that are unfair and harsh. I have a work environment that flows both ways. While I enjoy my job most of the time, I find my line of work really makes me struggle with my ability to be a softer person. It kind of makes me hard. I have had a few disappointments and issues that have really angered and upset me in the past several months. We have not put down any roots where we are living. We have made no real friends, and cannot seem to find any place where we really fit in. We want to offer more to the world than what we are doing here. We feel like we have more purpose. Now don't get me wrong, my husband and I both do all we can to help others. I pray everyday before I leave my house that God will give me an opportunity to do something for someone else. But how amazing it would be for this mentality to become our way of life. We both belive we are meant for more. While thinking about the upcoming New Year, I have been round and round with all the things I would like to accomplish. We have the ever famous get into shape, spend more quality time with my family, think before I open my mouth, pray before I open my mouth (and all of you who know me well are either laughing or saying AMEN at this point). But what I really want is to stop depending on myself. I think the reason I am so stressed and get upset so easily is because I expect to do everything right, and to fix all my problems. I put too much trust in my own abilities. I really want to start concentrating on the right things again, and all these petty surroundings may be taking my eyes off a higher goal. Now don't get me wrong here, I still do not believe God just comes in and orchastrates every move we make. We have common sense, free will, motivation, and the desire to create. God gave us all these for a purpose. But what I am finding is this. God allows us to be in a particular place for a particual purpose. All the irritations and discoragments are only taking our eyes off of what we may be there to accomplish. We were never promised a perfect life. It is the hard times, the discouragements, the injustices we experience, and the failures that truly teach us and cause us to grow. My real resolution for this New Year is to learn to walk in love and humility and depend on the One from whom I can draw real strength and direction. I am learning not only to trust but to really love Him again, and this year I want that to grow on a daily basis. Now let me clarify this again. This in no way, shape or form means I have any desire to dive back into religion. In fact this is quite the opposite. I do not want to be known as a Christian or a member of a specific denomoniation or religious establishment. I want to be known as someone who shows a love and peace that is uncommon in today's society. I want to keep my mouth shut and my heart open. I want to depend on God's grace to get me through my day and not my own strength. I want to make choices that I want to see my children follow after. I want to bring honor to my husband by being the wife he deserves. I want people to know I am different and I don't want it to have a thing to do with what I say, but because of how I live. I feel a change coming to our home. I have for a while. But I feel that change is starting inside. I think there are some changes I need to make internally before God completes any changes for us externally. I am wanting to learn to let go of the things that don't really matter, and hold on with all my strength to the ones that do. Like everyone else I have no clue what 2013 will hold. But my prayer and my desire for the year that follows is that while I will try to be physically healthy, that I work on keeping my spirit just as strong and healthy. While I want to have happy peaceful life, that I will bring joy and peace to those around me. Do I want to move, and get new jobs, and make friends, and find a church we can feel a part of, and feel like we are contributing to the lives of other? Of course I do, but I am not going to stress over it. I am going to keep walking this path He has put us on and trust that all those doors will open when we are ready for them to. And until then I will be thankful for all we have. Jobs that actually pay us (and not too shabbily), a nice home in a safe neighborhood, and pretty good schools for our kids. We have a great family. I love my kids so much! We think our kids are the greatest (even when they may not be). My husband is so good to all of us. And I know how fortunate we are to have a home that is peaceful. There isn't a bunch of fighting and arguing like so many people experience. I have so many things to be thankful for. So as this year closes, I will count my blessing, realize that the troubles we have experienced are helping us grow, and keep my thoughts and energies focused on more than this day to day life!

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Parenting


I just came in from a beautiful walk. The clouds were low and gray. I love the smell of leaves and wood burning in the neighbor's fireplaces. The trees were so vibrant with all the oranges, reds, and golds with just enough green left to make me slightly mourn the passing of summer. Yet how can you mourn the loss of the green in comparison to the brillance of fall. The cool crisp air blowing across my face was exhilerating. And the music put my soul in harmony with the beauty around me. I went on my walk to get out of being frustrated and it seemed to really help. I always think best outside! I have been really irrated this weekend. It seems sometimes where the kids are concerned we can give, give, give and we can never do good enough by them. You know, I don't know a single adult who doesn't have some complaint about how they were raised. Whether good or bad, no one seems satisfied, and kids today aren't going to be any different than the rest of us. With everyone of my children I can pinpoint numerous things I have done wrong, but I can also name many I have done right. If there is one thing I can say with 100% assurance is I have loved them from the bottom of my heart and would place eveyone of them before me. I accept them in their shortcomings and failures as much as in thier acheivements and triumphs! Parenting is hard. I think it gets harder as it goes. The older they get the more difficult it can become. It is wonderful to see their successes, but when they waiver from the path they should be on, it is hard. When you see pain and dissolution creep in and you have no power to step in and protect them it is so difficult. When they make choices you do not agree with but cannot change it breaks your heart! I just want real closeness as a family. No secrets and putting each one ahead of ourselves. I get mad at myself when I feel I am not being appreceiated because I feel like even in that feeling I am being selfish. But I sure did enjoy my time to talk to God today. I am finding so much more peace in Him here lately. And even if it is a temporary reprieve from the daily frustrations, it is enough strength to move me through the day. I really want to give my children this knowledge of who God is and how He wants to be a constant abiding part of our lives, but I don't want them to think that means He is just going to fix everything and make our lives prosper and be easy going. I find I like sitting with Jesus in the dirt. Finding His peace in the real world. I want to pass things on to them that are really going to count. I am just hoping they are learning.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Why I believe most people have experienced (and are experiencing) abuse.


I have recently read a number of articles about women who have been survivors of abuse. Then the other morning while listening to the radio on my drive to work, the dj was taking callers talking about how they retaliated against their spouse or significant other. I could not believe these callers! One woman said she runs her husband's toothbrush around the inside rim of the toilet when she is mad at him. Then I started thinking about a lot of the people we are aquaintances with and how they treat one another and I realized abuse is not just a male on female problem anymore! I have definately been a survivor of an abusive relationship. I think what a lot of people fail to recognize when they think about this type of behavior (both given and recieved) is the effects are long term and pshcological for both the abuserer and the enabler. The real pain of abuse is not the bruises or physical scars, but the shattered heart, loss of self worth, and tearing down of one's soul. I am convinced that the vast majority of people today live in abusive relationships and don't even recognize it because our culture is becoming so "me" centered it has become the norm. How many people are insulted or belittled by their partner? How many are made to feel less that whole, or as if they just can't do good enough? How many are constantly nagged at and told what to do and who they should be by an inconsiderate significant other? And in my observations it seems women are becoming worse than men at being mentally and emotionaly abusive. It is a crying shame that we cannot treat those closest to our hearts with the love and respect they deserve! Men, that woman you have at home taking care of your children, cooking your meals, doing your laundry, running your errands, cleaning your house, and doing every other job you cannot find time to do needs to know how much she is loved and appreciated. What you may never realize is that the weight she carries on a day to day basis far surpasses the stresses of your 9-5. Help her. Do your share. Let her know what a great job she does and what she means to you! By God if you don't..... one day someone else will. Women, that man who loves you and does his best to provide and care for you, give him some space to be a man. Quit reminding him of all he hasnt accomplished and start thanking him and appreciating him for what he has. Quit trying to run his life and trust him to do the right thing. I realize most of us come from some broken relationship, some set of lies that have been given us, betrayal that has been laid upon us and abuse that has damaged who we are. But we have to allow the experiences we have had to make us stronger and wise. Don't lay the blame of the past on someone not guilty. Don't treat someone with mis-trust and dis-respect because it is a learned behavior from a past relationship. If you are currently in this type of relationship and you see no hope of change GET OUT!!! If you are unable to talk to your partner about these destructive traits the earlier you leave the less damage that will be done to you and your family. I stayed in my abusive realationship for years because I thought that was best for my children. I nearly ruined their lives and mine in the process. It took me years to find that I am worthy of love and I am a person I can feel good about. If you are staying for your children then you are only hurting them. They are learning behaviors they will carry into their future relationships, and whether you are the abuser or the abused you are equally as guilty for the effects on their lives. I was the abused and I hold myself more accountable than my ex for not giving my children a functional life years ago. Finally, do not be afraid to love again! There is someone out there who will love and appreciate you and build you up instead of tear you down. When you find that person who is your best friend, your advocate in every situation, and who cannot hurt you even when they are upset with you, you take that person for who they are and invest all you have into them. The key to a healthy happy relationship is two people who think about the other first. When that person comes along don't let your scars keep you from them. Let the pain of the past make you all the more grateful for the type of love you deserve!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

TIME OUT


I am very fortunate that I have been given a "time out" this week. A time out from work and the normal stresses of life. My husband has rented us a beautiful home right on the sound. I have a kayak, a private wooded yard, and a hot tub. The best thing is I don't have to listen to the phone ring, client's cuss, employees bicker, or the bosses asking me to move mountains! I don't have to worry about where my bad debt is, how many emails I am going to get in the next hour telling me things I have known for the past 8 years, or figure out how I am going to work another auction and 3 more branches into my already busting schedule! I can instead be grateful that I am working a job with some flexibility and making the money we need to make ends meet and to afford to escape once or twice a year. But on the flip side, I have to wonder...... Is it worth the stress and fast pace for these things? Is there another path waiting for us to follow it? All the truly important things in our lives do not revolve around money. I have great kids! Sometimes they are rude and have some attitudes. Often they don't clean up their rooms or even behind themselves. But realistically these are the worst of our problems with them. They are great though. I have a great husband. He always puts us first and I never knew a realtionship could be so great. I can honestly say he completes me no matter how cheesy that may sound. We are growing in our spiritual relationships, as a family, a couple and individuals. I feel I know God better now than ever. And having this time to clear my mind I find that I feel better today than I have felt in months. The stress between my job and the job my husband works has litterally been eating me alive. I think that may be part of why I have been sick lately. So I have made a few decisions today. 1. I am glad my husband is finishing some advanced training and am praying his hard work lands him the job of his dreams! 2. I am going to start some training of my own. The college money didn't work out for me so I am going to hit some real estate courses first, and then some tax or accounting classes after that. I need to not think that just because I have started across the bridge labeled with a BIG 4-0 that I am too old to change directions! 3. I am going to learn SOMEHOW, SOMEWAY to manage my stress better. I put too much of myself into things that are neither noticed or appreciated by others. I am going to redirect some of that energy into making our lives better. 4. Life is too short to not appreciate and grasp every moment. I am going to live with a greater focus on the good. And find some way to make a bit of "down time" every day. Now if it seems like I am rambling AGAIN, it may just be the pina colada talking..... but more thant the pina colada I think it may be the inner me!